Point of View
by southsidesister
Summary: Chapter 4 is up which can be read as a standalone story: Harvey and Donna visit Boston. "Even though our start was a bit rocky and things aren't exactly ideal at work at the moment, I know you and I are in it for the long haul." Harvey and Donna get together, but with that much history between them, it's not exactly easy. Follows where 8x16 left off.
1. Blinded by the light

**Point of View**

I'm grinning. For a minute I feel complete and utter joy. My skin is burning, my mind is foggy. My heart is racing as I take your hand and lead you to my bedroom.

I was happily drowning my sorrows in glass of wine number three, when a beating on my door woke me from my mournful state. Not only had I broken things off with Thomas tonight, he also told me that you were once again ready to lose everything in order to protect me. How am I supposed to reciprocate that? I don't even know what I am really feeling right now, because believe it or not, I really did like Thomas, Harvey. I wanted him to be the one. I actually expected him to be the person standing in the doorway.

And yet here _you_ are. We haven't spoken a word since I opened the door. We didn't need to. I could tell from the expression on your face; the way you carried yourself as you strode towards me. Resolve. Somehow, you have renounced whatever it was that kept you away all these years. I was engulfed by your embrace, your kisses. The hint of your cologne tingling my nose. You devoured all my senses as you pushed me onto my own hallway table.

In a moment of stillness, you intertwined your fingers with mine, reassuring me silently that you and I are connected. And I allowed myself to think that perhaps you'd want more this time. But do you really? Maybe it's the nearness of your breath on my skin, maybe it's the wine. It's likely both. Nevertheless, the floodgates to my love for you are threatening to bust open, and I try with all my might to keep them shut. This dance is too familiar and so far, every time I've ended up alone. I can't go through that again. Not with you. Terror and hope are raging inside me like a battle for the ages, overshadowed by passion. For now, the actress in me will play the passionate part, because I am not ready yet to show you just how conflicted I am.

The buzz in my brain is slowly subsiding yet fueling my desire. I want you. It's always been you. But why are you here now? I decide that conversation can wait. Just make love to me tonight.

You follow me out of the hallway, and I sense you tracking my every move.

•∞•

You are smiling as you lead me away from your now messy hallway table. You have taken the lead in my life so many times, like how you lead me onto the dancefloor at Mike and Rachels wedding. However, this is a different dance and I feel I have two left feet and no sense of rhythm.

Tonight, I realized my life means absolutely nothing without you in it and I could no longer deny that simple fact. I found myself knocking on your door, ready to tell you how I feel; that I want _more_. Still, as I opened my mouth to speak, words escaped me. Seeing you standing there, strong yet fragile, reading me like no other can, I knew words would not be enough, anyway. So, with your voiceless permission, I acted without thinking, drowning in your touch, in you. Hoping I could convey my emotions that way, without the need to explain.

Now, I follow you blindly, taking in the way your auburn locks gently flow to the rhythm of our movement, to the sway of your hips and how the silk embraces every curve. I can't think. The desire I feel for you is making me dizzy. I have never felt this way before and it intimidates me.

You turn around at the foot of the bed and I move closer to you. There is little light in here and my senses are heightened immediately. I leave no room for space between us, needing to kiss you while I can, feeling your body against my own in the dark. Nevertheless, there's an uneasiness growing within me, demanding attention.

Your lips are so soft with the faint taste of wine. I remember them from when you last kissed me out of the blue. I remember them from twelve and a half years ago. Soft and delicate, just like you, and I feel I don't deserve you at all. Why are you letting me kiss you? Touch you? Don't you know you're worth so much more? Yet you whimpered softly as I pushed you up on that table and it gave me enough courage to continue. Especially when our hands found each other, and our fingers laced together. We stayed like that for what felt like forever. Still, there's something I have to know before... I can't even finish the thought. There is a ringing in my ears, blood rushing to my head as I try to catch my breath. I pull back and close my eyes, taking a breath to steady myself. _"Donna..."_ I let out hoarsely and I feel you stiffen under my touch.

•∞•

I slow at the foot of the bed and turn to face you. I told myself for too long I didn't love you like _that_. I tried to push the yearning away, told myself it could never work; that you weren't ready. But am I? Am I ready to acknowledge the love I feel for you is real? Ready to let love change that which we have become? Our relationship might not be perfect, but it's all we know. Is it worth risking everything? Because if we do this, there is no going back.

You have already closed the distance without a sound and your forehead is once again pressed to mine, your hands on my hips. With your eyes closed, you press your lips to my own. Tenderly, tentatively this time, even though I can feel your hardness as you hold our bodies together. Your brows are drawn, and a feeling of unsettlement overtakes. As you pull back, I hear you whisper my name and a shot of panic shoots through me. There it is. You've changed your mind. This was a bad idea. You didn't mean for it to happen. You don't want things to change between us. You want us to keep working together. You think you should go.

I wait for whatever excuse you're gonna make, but you remain silent and time stands still.

I scan your face in the dark, and I can see conflict crossing over. Possibly fear? My hands rest on your chest when I feel a gentle squeeze of your hands on my hips and I wait for you to speak, still unable to meet my gaze.

•∞•

I have loved you for so long, Donna, you know I have. I told you as much. Although examining it was out of the question, afraid that I might find I loved you _that _way and I wouldn't have known how to handle it. Fuck, I still don't have a clue. The thought alone hurts: what if we are too late? What if we will never be able to make up for all those years we lost? Because God knows I want to make up for them. And I want to make up for them right now.

But there is something looming over us that I can't ignore. I won't be the other man. I will not let you cheat on your boyfriend with me, regardless of our history or our feelings for each other. I swallow. My throat is so dry, and I am afraid when I open my mouth, I won't be able to ask you the one question that will make or break us; make or break me. The ringing in my ears gets worse and I feel like I'm losing it. For a second the thought of a pending panic attack shoots through me and I push it as far away as possible. It's now or never. _"What about Thomas?"_ I manage to say. My heart is about to beat out of my chest as a million thoughts run through my mind and I can barely wait for your reply. I just cannot lose you, Donna. Please…

•∞•

I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding. Of course, you want to know about Thomas. I should have told you before. _"We broke up,"_ I say softly, stroking your cheek to offer comfort, letting my hand come to rest over your heart in a silent promise, relief washing over me as our eyes finally meet. I still sense some tension as you look at me with irises as dark as night. _"I'm sorry,"_ you whisper, and I can tell it's because you are as conflicted as I am. _"I'm not,"_ I confess as I watch your face relax into a small smile. It's not a lie to make you feel better, it's the painful truth.

Your gaze drops to my lips and once again you kiss me, but this time you waste no time and you're definitely not tentative in your caress. Your tongue is demanding as you tangle your hand in my hair and angle my head. There is not enough of you for me to touch, so I rake my nails across your clothed back once more. I am hanging on to you as you pull me as close as possible and it's still not close enough.

•∞•

You tell me there is nothing left standing in our way. I smile. Fuck. What if this is all a dream? Tell me it's not. But just in case it is, I'll kiss you again, like it's the last time I will ever get to kiss you, because I just don't know what else to do. Years and years of pent up desire is unleashing within me. Your scent is intoxicating. The feel of your tongue dueling with mine, I press my body into you some more, because I just can't feel enough of you. As you run your nails up and down my back, I lose the little control I had left. You must feel my erection press against your stomach as you start to undo my tie and unbutton my shirt.

All of a sudden there is an urgency to get you naked and I let my hands explore. My hand is cupping your breast and I gently kneed, pinching the most sensitive part through the fabrics. I let my hand travel further down to the hem of your top and I pull it over your head. I toss it to the side and take off my shirt. I am so much better with actions than words. My conviction returns and I take charge. This is familiar territory.

•∞•

I love the soft moan you release when I run my fingers down your back. I'm making a mental note. Desire is overtaking all other emotions and I welcome the relief, because I no longer want or need to think about what this all means. I can sense the same shift you. I want you naked, Harvey. And for once, I will get what I want, without feeling guilty for even thinking it. I fumble with your tie and buttons while you fondle my breast and before I know it, my top is gone and your shirt is off. We alternate between touches and kisses and you bite my neck once more. I don't remember you being a biter. I like it. My own little vampire. _Mine._ Maybe someday I'll tell you about that little guilty pleasure of mine, but right now, you are doing something to my ear and it drives me absolutely crazy. I can only think I might just come from you doing this long enough and I want to cry out. You stop before I do, and I try to focus on how we are moving from a vertical position to a horizontal one. You don't waste any time positioning yourself on top of me.

The feel of your weight pushing me down is remarkably comforting. You're careful not to crush my hair and the thoughtfulness of such a simple gesture warms my heart. Our tongues collide in passionate kisses as you start rubbing your erection against my pubic bone. God, it feels good to know I am the cause of your arousal, the object of your desire. I love the feel of your muscles and I run my hands up and down your arms as you kiss your way down between my breasts and unclasp my bra. You leave a trail of wet kisses behind on your way down before taking a nipple in your mouth, while pinching the other one softly.

I watch you enjoy yourself and I feel the heat rising within me. You pay equal attention to both breasts before moving further down and the sensation is driving me wild. My skin is freezing and on fire simultaneously every time your lips come into contact with it and when you lock eyes with me before you take off the remainder of my clothes, your eyebrow is raised playfully, and the biggest grin ever covers your face. You are gonna make me scream, aren't you?

•∞•

Less clothes are good. Your body feels amazing. Your breasts are mesmerizing, and I fully concur with your choice of lingerie, even though I know the garment will shortly be tossed aside like the hindrance it will undoubtedly become. The way your nails claw at my scalp while I gently bite the tender skin between your neck and shoulder, emboldens me. I bury my face there and suck on your delicate surface. I make my way up to your ear, just breathing and licking. My actions are followed by more clawing and you whimper. I got you right where I want you and I move us to the bed, because I don't know how much longer I can stay upright.

I climb on top because I need some more friction and you are still wearing way too many clothes. Your beautiful bra is gone in no time and I continue exploring your exquisite body. Even though we've done this before, it feels so different this time. It's almost as if we are old friends, but new people, just getting reacquainted again. If only you had the slightest idea of what you do to me. I am so hard right now, I am afraid I won't last very long. However, I will make sure you scream my name before I ever come tonight. I meet your eyes and wordlessly I give you my word.

In one motion, you're naked. I take little time to enjoy the view, because I desperately want to taste you. The heat emanating from you is intoxicating as you spread your legs wide for me. I love that I make you feel this way. You are noticeably wet, and I kiss a trail from you belly button down. I cover your pink lips with my mouth and lick up to your most sensitive spot. You undulate beneath me and I continue, alternating between sucking and licking, before I ease a finger inside, followed by another, gently exploring your warmth. I sneak a peek upwards and I see you cupping your breasts as you arch your back off the bed and I almost come undone. I writhe on the matrass for some friction while keeping my focus on your clit, licking and sucking. Your moans are becoming more frequent and a 'fuck' here and there followed by an 'oh god' escapes your lips. I feel ten feet tall and my desire to make you scream is fueled by the enchanting sounds you produce under my spell.

I want to see you come and when you indicate you're close in between moans, I tell you to come for me. I arch my fingers inside of you and pay extra attention to that one spot you seem to like and there it is: _"Harvey!"_ you exclaim. My name rings around the dimly lit room and my entire body smiles, but I continue what I was doing until I feel your walls convulsing around my fingers. I let you ride the waves of pleasure until your body stills and your panting subsides. I wipe my mouth before crawling up your body to kiss you senseless. _"You are so goddamn hot," _I assert between kisses. It's an understatement, but it's all I manage to get out.

•∞•

The anticipation of what you're about to do next is almost killing me. I don't know how but I am naked before I even know it and you're making your way south. Say what you want about womanizers, but practice makes perfect and I am happy to be on the receiving end. I am desperate for you to touch me at my core. I am so wet for you, it's crazy. I open my legs as wide as they will go and I feel your tongue slide between them and seek out my clit and I am hit with a bolt of lightning. God, Harvey, yes! I touch my breasts, as I lose myself in your ministrations.

I feel you slip a finger inside and then another and I float to another dimension while you continue flicking your tongue over my clit. Control of my breathing, my senses, my body is lost. All I can utter are profanities as I get closer to orgasming. _"Come for me,"_ you order, and I do it gladly, however your fingers are doing something new and I am so shocked at the intensity of my building climax that I yell your name without thinking. It's a loaded cry for help, as much as anything. I think I feel you smiling against me, but then I topple over the edge and my body explodes into a million pieces.

When I am finally able to open my eyes, your face is next to mine and as you press your lips to my own, my moisture lingers on your chin. You mumble something that doesn't register. It takes me a minute to recover. Your kisses bring me back to earth; back to my bed, with you in it. This feels all too natural, being here with you, naked in your presence. I want to get used to this.

My hands are all over your bare back until I reached your clothed ass and I know it's my turn to take control. _"On your back,"_ I demand, and I push at your shoulders. You oblige willingly and I climb on top, taking in the view from above. Savoring it. Your expression is a combination of joy and mischief. You have never looked hotter than right now and my heart starts to beat a little faster. My hair falls over your face as I kiss you from my new position. I can't wait to get you naked and I sense the urgency is mutual, so I kiss my way down your torso, letting my hair caress the trail my mouth leaves behind. My hands are busy working your buckle and as soon as it's loose, your pants and socks are gone. All that's left is your underwear.

I can make out the shape of your erection through the tight fabric and I run my hand over it, teasing you, watching you react to my touch. You lift your hips as I pull the piece of clothing down. Your erection bounces off your belly and I am in awe of the sight before me. I do remember your penis being one of my favorites. Top 3 easy; a minor detail that hasn't made the last thirteen years any easier. The size and shape are pretty much perfect. You should be a model for a vibrator company or something. I'm staring as I hear my name in that demanding yet playful tone of yours. I ignore you. Can't you see I'm busy ogling you? Jeez. But you're right, it's time to get to work.

I meet your eyes briefly before I take you in my hand and slowly move up and down. A hiss escapes your throat as your body freezes for a second, bracing itself for more of my touch. I continue stroking you and let my tongue lick you from the base up to the tip, paying extra attention to the frenulum, knowing how that is your most sensitive spot. I play with your balls and your moans increase significantly as you harden in my hand. Your hand is in my hair while my head gently bops up and down, alternating between sucking, licking, stroking. I want to make you come so badly, to give you the release you need and watch you while you convulse at my touch, but you stop me by pushing yourself off the bed and kissing me, forcing my mouth elsewhere. I'd pout if I could.

•∞•

Your bittersweet taste is still on my tongue as you push me on my back. I love it when you take control and I watch your every move. Your hair falls all around us as we kiss, enveloping us, hiding us. As you kiss your way down, all I see is a sea of auburn. The color is so uniquely you, associating it with all I'm feeling right now feels counter intuitive. Nevertheless, I keep reminding myself this is not just another dream. I watch as you undress me further and I can't wait for you to touch me, the prospect all but killing me, though I let you take your time.

You leave my underwear on and I'm virtually dying as you cup me. My head falls back involuntarily, and you take it as your cue to release my erection. Finally. I keep my eyes closed, waiting for you to continue, but you don't move. I open one eye and see you just gawking at my nakedness approvingly. It's not like I haven't gotten compliments before, yet knowing I am enough for you fills me with a genuine feeling of pride and worth. However, I _need_ you to continue. _"Donna…"_ I love it when I can say your name teasingly. You don't respond. Instead you move closer to my arousal and look up, meeting my eyes with a gleam in yours. Without saying a word, you grab hold and take me in your mouth, and I am seeing stars.

Fuck! I am way too close, but this feels so good. The warmth of your mouth enveloping my length feels amazing and your tongue is doing this thing to the head as you play with my balls. The room fades away and I jerk upright. You have to stop, because as much as I am loving this, I want to be inside of you when I come, Donna. My hands tangle in your hair as I kiss you. _"I want you,"_ I breathe, and I flip us over, careful not to crush your hair as it splays out on the pillow. My tip is already at your wet entrance and if I were to push right now, I'd be inside you, but I wait. I want to make sure you're here with me.

•∞•

Before I know it, I'm on my back again and you are hovering above me and I can feel you pressing against my heat. This is it. I want you, Harvey. All of you. You pause for a second and I know it's to make sure we can do this without protection. I trust you, Harvey, and you trust me, too. Besides, I am protected. We don't even need words to communicate this. A nod is enough.

I take you in my hand and position you further, granting you permission to enter. To enter my heart, body and soul. With a subtle shift on your part, we are joined together, and I think I might cry. Our joining was such a long time in the making, and now you're finally here. We never break eye contact. Your dark eyes telling me all I need to know.

You move slowly at first, filling me whole, before pulling almost all the way out and repeating your motion, slowly picking up speed while you do. The pace is perfect for my already oversensitive area. I meet your every thrust and I feel my arousal building, but I don't care about coming a second time. You already had me scream your name once. I'm not sure I want to give you the satisfaction again. Besides, I'm pretty sure you won't hold out long enough anyway. But that's ok. I want you to climax.

You slow your pace and drop your head, kissing a trail from my collarbone up to my ear. I let my nails roam across your back, and I feel more than hear another stern _"Donna" _sending a shiver up my spine. You say something else, although it doesn't register. Your breathing in my ear is exhilarating. I can't think while you let your tongue flick on the inner parts and it's the hottest thing I've ever had to endure, sending a shot straight to my core. I writhe beneath you as another orgasm nears. What the hell? Where did that come from? You move your mouth to my lips as I gasp from the loss of stimulation. You are driving me wild and I am just putty in your hands.

You push my legs up, holding on to them. I love the view of your muscles flexing while you move inside of me, and this angle is perfect for hitting the right spot, as well. Damn you, Harvey, you're going to make me come again. I try to keep my eyes open but it's nearly impossible with the state of trance I find myself in. You start rubbing my clit and all I can moan is _"I'm so close."_ I see you clench your jaw as I look up and I know you're close, too. You increase the pace and push me over the edge so fast, I never saw it coming.

I get to wrap my arms around you again when you bury your face in my pillow and your moans become louder. A wonderful _'fuuuuck'_ leaves your lips and I can feel your body jerk from your own orgasm. I massage your scalp as you ride out the waves. My heart is beating so fast, I don't think it will ever slow down. Let's just stay like this forever.

•∞•

A nod on your part tells me all I need to know: we're good to go. I trust you, Donna and you know you can trust me, too. I let you guide me inside of you and our bodies merge. Damn, you feel so good. I want to savor this feeling, this moment. It is our second first time and I want to remember every detail, but right now, I have to focus on not coming within the next two minutes. I'm a goner, because you are meeting my thrusts one by one and that look on your face telling me to keep going is so damn sexy, I have to slow down.

I bury my face in your neck, hoping it'll alleviate my urgency. It does for a bit, but there you go again with your nails on my back, trying to coax me to continue and I warn you by breathing your name in your ear. _'I'm not gonna last,"_ I add, and I can sense a shiver running through you, as I lick and suck on your earlobe and let my tongue trail your ear. You really seem to like me doing that and I make a mental note. I continue my work, kissing you while I do, letting our tongues meet. I want you with me when I come, Donna. So, I'm gonna try and do what I can.

While keeping our connection, I push myself onto my knees, letting your legs rest on my shoulders. I know this angle will be great for going deeper and I hope I can make us both come simultaneously. I bend forward slightly and let my hips do the work. Every stroke feels like a little bit of heaven. The way your breasts bounce, the way your hair is splayed on the pillow, the way you meet my eyes every now and then. Everything about this is perfect and I _will _remember this forever, no matter what happens.

Your moans increase and I proudly think I may have made the right decision. I rub my thumb over your clit, bringing you closer to the edge. You grab a hold of the comforter and tell me you're nearing release as I feel my own orgasm approaching. I thrust and stroke and within moments you let out the most wonderful screams of pleasure and I take it as my cue to release, too, as I let go of your legs. I bury my face next to yours once more while I let my orgasm swallow me whole. Your touch is soothing as I come down from my peak. I'm staying here for a while, because right now, I need a minute to recover and I think you do, too, judging by the rhythm of your heartbeat.

After a while I pull out and I miss the contact instantly. I roll off of you and drag you on top of me. I smile to myself and for the first time in a very long time, I feel pure joy. Having you in my arms is all I really ever wanted.

•∞•

Our union has ended and my head is resting on your chest. You pulled the comforter over us when you noticed I was shivering and we lie in the dark, taking in what just happened. I've never been this comfortable in my own bed. I can feel the faint beating of your heart as my leg runs up and down yours. I am spent and I think you are, too. It's not just from the physical exertion, but from every unspoken word that still lingers between us. There's so much I want to say to you, things we have to talk about, however I just don't know where to start.

The high brought on by passionate sex is slowly wearing off and I want this moment to last forever. I'm afraid that the second we allow reality to set in, we will screw it up. Both of us. We were never able to get our timing right before, why would this time be any different? You say my name again and if nothing else, I will never get tired of hearing you say 'Donna' in that deep baritone of yours.

•∞•

As much as I love the afterglow we both seem to be basking in, lying here in the dark with you, I feel uncertainty rising between us. We need to connect the way we just did, only on a different level. I want us to, Donna. I'm ready. I think. But where to begin? The only opener I can think of is you kissing me out of the blue. If we can talk about your feelings, maybe we can postpone having to talk about mine. I'm pretty proud of myself for coming up with it, so with a smile on my face I ask you if you really didn't feel anything, because I find it hard to believe you didn't. I know I did.

•∞•

You wait for me to meet your eyes before you ask: _"Did you really not feel anything when you kissed me in your office?" _Your tone is teasing, like you caught me with my hand in the cookie jar, a small smile playing about your lips. It eases my nerves a little and I am grateful for the break in silence. You're pretty sure of my answer and I am happy to tell you what you think you already know. _"I didn't. Only because you made it clear that there was no way you wanted more, so instead of being honest about my feelings…" _I trail off and inhale deeply. _"…I lied."_ It's out.

I didn't mean to put any blame on you, but I can tell from the hurt look on your face, that you do feel some of it. Damn my stupid timing. _"I'm sorry," _I hear you say, and I have to explain that it wasn't your fault. _"Harvey, I am the one that should be sorry. You were with Paula. I don't know what I was thinking, but Mike and even Louis had gotten to me. Their words kept repeating over and over again and at the same time I felt you slipping away, and I just did what I did." _I can't stop, the words keep coming and it's so nice to finally say them out loud to you. _"And when I felt you lean into the kiss, I knew that I wanted to be with you. I don't know what I thought was gonna happen. It wasn't like I was expecting you to dump Paula and set off into the sunset with me. Or maybe I was hoping for that…" _It's a revelation to myself, too. I continue,_ "…either way, I get why you reacted the way you did. And I am sorry for putting you in that position. I guess our timing has always been a little off…"_ I let the words hang between us and wait for your reply.

•∞•

I was hoping for a short 'Of course I felt something', but you make me realize I was the one who made you hide your feelings in the first place. I'm so sorry, Donna.

I listen to you tell me you wanted to be with me when I was with Paula. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if you had told me the truth then. There have been many moments in the past thirteen odd years where you have indicated you were open to more, and I was always afraid to pursue it; too afraid that it wouldn't work, and we could no longer work together. We'd lose our friendship, everything we are. But I've come to realize that not being with you is a fate far worse and you need to know it.

There is a heaviness in my heart and I feel compelled to explain. _"No, I really _am_ sorry, Donna. Sorry for not realizing sooner that you are the one. Sorry for not…"_ I swallow hard as a lump forms in my throat. _"Sorry for wasting so much time. Sorry fo…"_ You cut me off by pressing your lips to mine. It's just so goddamn much. You comfort me like no other can and I let myself drown in your kiss.

•∞•

I watch your face go from playful to sad as you talk. I just can't stand to see you in any kind of pain. My heart breaks for you, listening to you apologize. If you cry now, I won't be able to contain my own tears. I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around you and tell you it's okay; that you don't have to be sorry about anything. So, I do just that and I feel you relax against me.

Apparently, you realized I am the one and hope rises within me. It's so wonderful to hear you say it, although there is a reluctance in me to believe it. What does it mean? I want desperately for the words to be true, but our track record isn't exactly great. I need more. My voice breaks as I say: "_I just need to know if this is really what you want…" _It's not exactly a question, still, if you're not 100% sure, then maybe we shouldn't do this. I like to think I am a strong, independent woman, yet I am at your mercy, Harvey. My heart is in your hands and you have the power to smash it.

•∞•

You are looking for affirmation when you ask if this is really what I want, and I can tell you're scared I won't be able to say the things you need to hear. So, I roll on top of you, because I need you to know how serious I am. I won't let anything stand in the way of us every again. Something about wild horses. The quick rollover has caused a strand of hair to fall over your face. You are so beautiful to me as I linger above you. You're waiting for me to say something and I gently push the lock of hair behind your ear. Your eyes are hopeful, but I can tell you're close to tears, still afraid that I will tell you I don't want _more_, like I've done over and over again. It's almost too much for me to bear.

_"Donna…"_, I feel a nervousness I haven't felt before. Maybe because there's never been _this_ much at stake. My body is shivering, and my breathing quickens. I inhale and say the words I've said to you previously, however there's a new significance to them: _"I love you, Donna." _I pause, before adding:_ "I want to be with you."_ Allowing myself to say this out loud, means that I have so much more to lose and I am simultaneously filled with love and dread, but my words seem to have registered with you, because your eyes are as wide as I've ever seen them, no trace of fear left on your face.

Your arms wrap around my neck and you kiss me feverishly. There is something desperate about it as you hold me tight. Your touch soothes me, and I relax into it. But then I feel a wetness against my cheek. I pull back again, and you are not immediately ready to let go. An unsettling feeling arises. What don't you want me to see? Donna, please let me in.

•∞•

You pin me under you and as much as I love your weight on top of me, I can tell you're nervous, too. My eyes well up as I wait for you to speak. I can't stand the silence, please just tell me. And then you do. _Love._ The words reverberate through me and fill me from head to toe. Those floodgates open. The ones that have been closed off for thirteen years, with all the hurt, joy, pain and pleasure we experienced together. All of a sudden, I don't have to pretend anymore. No more pretending I don't love you _that _way, no more pretending I am happy for you when you tell me about your latest love interest, no more pretending I want to date anybody else. No more pretending. Period. But I don't even know who I am around you without that armor on, and it frightens me.

It's all too much and as I kiss you, I hope the tears that have started flowing will go unnoticed, because I don't want you to worry. However, you must have felt them, too, because you pull back, concerned. And without saying a word, your hand is soft against my cheek as your thumbs do all the work wiping at the wetness. Your eyes are soft and loving and I am reminded how good you can be at the whole comfort thing. I lose myself in them as I finally find my voice. "_I love you, too, Harvey," _I sob softly, yet I try to smile. I fail at convincing you not to worry. _"What's wrong,"_ you ask softly, and I recognize you are just as afraid as I am, aren't you?

Lying here now, my vulnerability showing in all its glory and you silently consoling me, I feel safer than ever before. _"I'm just a bit overwhelmed, Harvey. That's all."_ I can tell from the look on your face that you feel the exact same way. I pull your face towards mine and leave a lingering kiss on your lips. The consequences our words have are slowly sinking in.

You calm me with your nearness. Your body pressed onto mine. Your face just inches away. _"What brought you here tonight?"_ I ask, while running my fingers up and down your arms. I need to know what's changed. You move to rest beside me on the pillow. Our upper bodies apart, our legs still intertwined. You're propped up on your elbow; your arm resting on my stomach.

•∞•

You try to smile through the tears, and I think my heart is about to explode. Seeing you cry, seeing you in any kind of pain is unbearable to me. I wipe them away and I see your face relax beneath my touch and you utter the words I desperately needed to hear. You love me, too, but you can't stop the tears from falling and I have to ask what's wrong, even though I am not sure I can handle the answer. You explain that you're just feeling overwhelmed and I know exactly how you feel.

Your vulnerability is a sight to behold. You really are the most amazing woman I've ever met. You take my face in your hands and I let you kiss me again, because if that is what you need, that is exactly what I will give. I listen to the question I know was coming and I take a deep breath. The answer should be easy, but it's not.

I move to the side, propping myself up on one arm, while I drape the other over your belly. You wait for me to speak as I fumble in the darkness of my mind to find the words. I begin slowly: _"We lost Robert today, but he saved the firm." _You confirm you knew while anticipating the rest of my response._ "Everyone had somebody to go home to and I realized that you were the one I wanted to share this with. I want to share everything with you. It's always been you." _I swallow back another lump forming in my throat. _You're the only person that's always been there for me. You've always believed in me. You know everything there is to know about me, all my history..." _I don't think I can stop even if I wanted to. I take your hand in mine and press it to my heart as I continue tentatively:_ "And still you..."_ I want to say 'love me', but I don't want to sound pretentious._ "…accept me for who I am. And I already knew all of this, but I realized that I do want _more_, Donna." _My eyes well up and I fight the tears. Only you have this effect on me. _"My life means nothing without you in it."_ There is something I need to add. _"When I saw you and Thomas together... I hated every second of it."_ I may have masked it before, but I'm jealous as hell when it comes to you. _"I thought I'd lost you. Again." _I can't hide the pain. Losing you will forever be my greatest fear.

•∞•

Harvey Specter is in my bed, naked, telling me he wants _more_. It's all I've ever wanted to hear from you, Harvey. And now my world as I know it no longer exists. I should be scared, but I am not. Not anymore. I let you take my hand as you explain. My heart overflows with love at your words and the tears you wiped away earlier are threatening to spill again if you keep this up. I'm such a mess and it's clear you are overcome by emotion, too and I am grateful we are in this together. I let you finish, even though I want to kiss you so badly right now.

I listen to you telling me how you thought you lost me again and your words break my heart. How many ways are you going to tell me you love me, Harvey? I want nothing more than to reassure you as I gently place the hand you held in yours on your face. _"You didn't lose me, Harvey. You can never lose me."_ I see a hint of a smile appearing, as you blink hard. I can tell you want to believe me. I move on top of you to add a kiss to my statement. I pull back and almost lose myself in your adoring eyes. You opening up to me about your feelings means more than I can ever express. _"Believe it or not, I think we're stuck with each other, because I don't think I can live without you in my life, either…" _It's a sad truth, though fighting it would be useless. I find your lips again and you pull me as close as possible, wrapping your arms around me tightly.

A realization dawns on me.

_"Harvey, are you telling me that you came over here tonight and kissed me because you thought you were losing me, even though for all you knew I was still with Thomas?" _I chuckle. You're an idiot. A really cute one. _"Shit, Donna…"_ You trail off. The hypocrisy of your actions has finally caught up with you and you want to apologize, but I shut you up by pressing my lips to yours. It doesn't matter anymore. None of it does. All that matters, is that you're here now. We both are.

•∞•

I feel exposed after having told you why I came here tonight. I didn't think I'd be able to get it all out without bawling my eyes out, yet being here with you… I feel like I can do anything. I feel safe. The love on your face when you tell me we're stuck together is evident. It's comforting to hear, however messed up it might be. Deep down inside I know we share the same fears and it makes me love you even more.

You kiss me and I never want to let you go, ever again.

Our tongues find each other in a blistering kiss, and I am about ready to make love to you again, but you stop and I wait for you. You seem to be smirking before you lay out that I did the exact same thing to you as you did to me. Shit. Was I really that blind? How did I not see it before? I feel like an idiot, yet, you're kissing me again and I have a feeling it all doesn't matter anymore. From now on, it's just you and me.

* * *

_A/N: Hey guys, this is my first Suits fic and it's been a while since I've written anything, so your comments are welcome. I intend to update this with more, since I have a lot of ideas for these two..._


	2. When darkness falls

_A/N I don't know where this fic is going, but for now I'm really enjoying this. I hope you do, too. Sorry this chapter is so angsty, but I couldn't help it. :)_

* * *

Sleep is overrated. There is no way I can drift off long enough for it to qualify as sleep, anyway. I take it all in; the way your breathing is slow and even, the way your arm is stretched under my pillow, because you insisted on spooning me, the way your entire naked body is pressed against my own and your other arm is holding me tight. Screw sleep. I'm savoring every second.

My body is exhausted, yet I am way too excited to miss any of this. You're here, Harvey. Finally. And I believe you're here to stay. Butterflies in my stomach. It's like I'm 16 years old again and my crush told me he wants to go steady. I just wish I could see your face right now. But if your spooning me is the reason I can't, I'm good with that.

We finally turned the lights off about an hour ago. We had to get some rest, because whether we want to or not, work awaits us both in the morning. It's probably around 2am now, so we still have a few hours left. I feel you stir and retract your arm that was under me. I pretend to sleep and wait to see what you'll do. You're turning to your other side and I miss the contact immediately. Do I spoon you now? I don't want to wake you. Shit. Maybe I should try and see if I can doze off, after all. It's no fun being awake like this.

When I finally do drift off, it's not for long, at least I don't think it is. You're getting out of bed and I listen to your every move. In the stillness of the night, I can hear it all. You don't go to the bathroom and I wait for whatever noise will give me a clue as to what you're up to. It's too quiet for too long and I feel like something's wrong. You wouldn't leave this bed unless you absolutely had to, right? Did someone call? I don't remember hearing a phone ringing. Please don't tell me you're second guessing this whole night; second guessing me.

I get out of bed and find some of my clothes tossed on the floor and put them on. In the hallway, I find my vest. It's cold, so I put it on as well and pull it around me tightly. I scan my living room and I feel a chill coming from the kitchen. The door to the balcony is open and I can make out your frame. You've put on a t-shirt and your pants. Your weight is on your arms and you are hunched forward, resting on the railing. Something is definitely wrong.

•∞•

I wake from a nightmare. Goddammit. I don't even remember the details, but my body is stiff. For a second, I am alone in this strange bed, until my cloudy mind clears enough and I feel you stir. I must have woken you. Fuck. I stay still, hoping you will fall back asleep. I'm sweaty and restless. I try to control my breathing, but it's proving to be harder than I thought. The events of the day come rushing back into my awakening consciousness: almost losing my license, Robert taking a fall, the firm that's gonna have to do a lot of damage control. You. I love you, more than you'll ever know, but how are we going to do this? It's funny how things have a way of looking so much brighter in the daylight. But here in the dead of night, I can't shake this unsettling feeling of having no control of all these developments and it's getting worse.

I get out of the bed, because tossing and turning will definitely wake you and I'll avoid that at all cost. I put some clothes on and go into the kitchen to get some water, but I can't shake the thought that everything is changing, and I need it to stop. Everything is spiralling out of control. My imagination is spiralling out of control.

I need some air.

I open the door to your balcony and take a deep breath. The cold night air temporarily provides a distraction as all my sense are engaged. I look up at the night sky, trying to think of simple things, stars, clouds, the vast universe, emptiness… Why are we here? All of a sudden, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. The thoughts won't stop and my anxiety returns with a vengeance. No, please, not now… I'm pleading with a higher power, because of all nights, this is not the night I want to have a panic attack.

I grip the railing to steady myself and hang my head. Thoughts continue to flood my brain and I can't stop them. I try to breathe through it as I feel a tightness across my chest. When I think I have it under control, another wave of irrational thoughts crash into me. My heart shouldn't be beating this fast. What if I'm having a heart attack? I feel like I have a fever. My arms are tingling. My chest is constricting more and more. I try to fight it.

Tonight was perfect. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't want this tainting the memory. Fuck! I'm starting to shake uncontrollably and it's the worst feeling in the world. I have no control over my thinking, and I can't control my body. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. I feel like this will be my reality forevermore. I'd rather die.

•∞•

As I approach the door, I softly speak your name as not to startle you. I can tell you've heard me, but you don't move. _"What's wrong?" _I manage to say. I come closer and lay a hand on your shoulder, to try and coax you to face me. You don't, but instead move to envelop me tightly and I am taken aback.

You are shivering from the cold air, at least that's what I think it is, and your body is cold against my own, but sweaty. Your heart beats fast, fast enough for me to feel. You bury your face in my neck and I can feel you inhaling me while you pull me even closer. I lean into you, but I have to know what's going on. You're scaring me. How long have you been out here? _"Harvey, you're freezing. What's going on?"_ You won't let me put any space between us.

Your voice is soft and gentle against my neck when you say you are having a panic attack and I don't know what to do. _"Oh no, Harvey." _I want to scream. I hug you even tighter, feeling an undeniable desire to protect you, but I don't know what from. I stroke your back in an effort to ease you, but your body remains as tense. You shiver against me and I propose we go inside. I take your hand once more and lead the way.

•∞•

I hear your soft voice somewhere far away and I don't need to look over to know you're here. You are walking towards me, and I wish I could face you, but I feel like I'm dying right here and now and I don't want you to see it. Please go back to bed.

I hang my head back down, but you come closer. The worry I can imagine is visible on your features will be too much for me to handle right now. _Goddammit, Specter, why are you so goddamned weak?_ _Get a grip_. I scold myself. I _hate_ myself, right now. My hands grip the railing a bit harder, white knuckles disclosing my desperation.

Your hand is soft on my shoulder and without looking at you I wrap myself around you and I realize how cold I must be to you, because you feel like the sun to me. I try to slow my breathing, but it's proving harder than I thought. I register you asking me what's going on and I am afraid to tell you. Shame, fear of rejection, fear of looking weak, I can think of a million reasons to lie, but I have no fight left in me. _"I'm having a panic attack,"_ I confess, and it feels good to be honest about it. It wasn't too long ago when I would have just put on a brave face and lied. I don't want to. I just can't anymore.

I can tell my revelation worries you. Shit, Donna. I'm sorry. You hug me so tightly, I think my breathing might never return, but I let you, because it comforts me. Just as I let you take my hand again and lead me inside. We sit down on your couch and I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. I want to cry, but as much as I want to show my emotions, I can't show you these tears, because I am afraid they will scare you away; afraid that you won't want me anymore. Why would anyone want a weak bastard like me? Especially someone as amazing as yourself? We've been together for what? 6 hours? I wouldn't blame you for running away after this.

So, I bury my face in my hands, trying to regain my composure while hiding my shame.

•∞•

_"Here, sit down,"_ I say softly. There is a folded blanket draped over the sofa. I take it as you let your face rest in your hands. I cover you with it and stay by your side, one hand on your back, the other on your knee, hoping some of my body heat will transfer onto you. You don't speak and I don't know what to do. I need to do something. Warming you up seems like a good idea. _"I'll make us some tea,"_ I suggest as I move to stand, but you plead for me to stay as you grab my hand and make sure I don't get up. _"Just… stay,"_ you say with a desperation in your eyes. I oblige. If only I knew what you were going through, it would make me feel less powerless. I put my head on your shoulder and I unwillingly give myself over to the moment.

We stay like that for a while. I feel you stir after several minutes of immobility. You raise my hand to your lips and leave a kiss as our eyes meet. You have an uncomfortable smile on your lips and you look exhausted. _"I'm sorry I scared you,"_ I hear you say. How in the world can you be thinking about me right now? However, I'd be lying if I say you didn't.

You stand up and wait for me to take your other hand as well. I do and you raise me off the couch. I _know _you, Harvey, yet I don't think I've ever seen you like this before. Defeat, crossed with sadness is manifest all over you and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. You embrace me again and press a kiss to my lips. _"Harvey..."_ You cut me off by saying you're fine and although I know you _want_ to believe that, I am not convinced.

•∞•

My body is slowly warming as I feel you next to me. The panic is fading away, but my body is still reeling from the shock. You say something about tea and as soon as the words register, I realize you want to get up. I grab hold of your hand in an attempt to stop you. _"No. Don't,"_ I beg as I finally meet your eyes. I need you here and I settle down as soon as you put your head on my shoulder. Do you know you're my lighthouse? My guiding light in this life? I am so lost without you. Yet you put up with me and I don't even know if I can give you what you really need. Here I thought I had worked through all my shit and it turns out, I have only scratched the surface. I need help.

After a while, my breathing returns to normal and my body gradually calms. But the fear remains. It happened when I was in bed with you: the one sanctuary I thought I'd found. If I am not safe there, will I ever be safe anywhere? I need a drink and I would have gotten one if it hadn't been for you. You really should get some sleep, even though I could sit here till day breaks. I don't even know what time it is.

I bring your hand to my lips and kiss it softly. I apologize for scaring you, because I am so incredibly sorry, Donna. I wish you never had to see me like this. I slowly stand up and pull you to me_. _Everything will be better in the morning and morning can't come soon enough. You still look worried and I try to convince you. _"I'm fine,"_ I lie. You don't believe me and I love you even more for it.

•∞•

When we get to the bedroom, you take your pants off and I my vest and we both crawl into bed. You find me instantly and cover half my body with your own as you place a kiss on my shoulder and rest your head besides mine, my arm cradling your head. There is no lust or desire noticeable, just something bigger than you and I.

_"Thanks, Donna,"_ you whisper, and I don't know what for. _"Are you sure you're okay?"_ You sound more convincing when you say you will be. I run my fingers through your hair, massaging your scalp, hoping to offer comfort, a safe place for you to land.

Being back in bed, both with clothes on, there is no lingering bliss, or afterglow, but a darkness growing in the night. It feels like we aren't even alone anymore, and the idea is agonizing. Your breathing never evens out and I have a feeling you can't sleep at all.

•∞•

A soon as we get under the covers, I find your body and leave a kiss on your shoulder, thanking you earnestly; for being here; for being you; for choosing me. This time when you ask if I am sure I'm ok, I don't lie. _"I will be," _I breathe, because I know I will be. As long as I have you, I will be fine. Right? I let your touch comfort me, as I sense you drifting asleep.

Sleep escapes me. I try really hard, but it's useless. So, instead I just reflect on my life, like I've done so many times before. I come to the conclusion things aren't as bleak as the crippling panic attack implied. I just need to figure out what triggers my anxiety. Although I am not looking forward to yet another cycle of looking deeper into my own psyche, it all seems a lot less scary knowing how far I've come already. Besides, the most important thing I didn't have last time, is you. With you by my side, I feel I can conquer the world.

It must be close to dawn now and I want the day to start, so I can find something else to occupy my thoughts with. Luckily, there's plenty to do. I climb out of bed, trying really hard not to wake you as I go into the bathroom to wash up. When I return, you have crawled almost all the way under the covers, but your hair peaks out in stark contrast to the color of the linen. As rays of sunshine start to fill the room, I feel lucky as fuck.

I gather my scattered clothes. Your scent is still on my shirt and I inhale deeply as thoughts of last night, the good part; the fun part, come flooding back. Coming over here was the best decision I made in my whole life. Now I just have to make sure I don't screw it up… But you were amazing, Donna. And you love me. I smile at the thought.

•∞•

I must have succumbed after a while, because I don't remember the sun rising. When I open my eyes, I find your form, fully dressed, on top of the covers, sitting against the headboard, phone in hand. Not exactly how I had expected to wake up, but at least you're still here.

_"Hey,"_ I say softly. You turn to me and the smile playing at your lips will last me a lifetime. _"Good morning,"_ you say cheerily as you slide down on top of me and kiss me heatedly. Last night really wasn't a dream. My body is fully awake now, but there's no urgency. As you pull back and just look at me, I can't help but to return the stare. I want to wake up like this for the rest of my life. My hand moves to your cheek as I drown in your eyes. There are dark circles visible, hinting at the rough night you had.

•∞•

I sit back on the bed, waiting for you to wake up. I read through my emails and I find one that Thomas Kessler sent me last night. He wants to meet today. Shit. I text Ray and tell him to pick me up here in half an hour. It'll give me time to go back to my place and get changed, before I go in this morning. Your sleepy voice brings me back in the room and abruptly, the world out there seems very far away, and I can't help but smile. I wish you a good morning, before I cover your body with mine and kiss you feverishly. It really wasn't a dream.

I instantly feel my own heat rising again. I want you, but we can't right now. I pull back and take in your beautiful features. Without make-up on you are even more beautiful to me and I lose myself in your eyes. Your hand strokes my cheek, as we just lay there together, breathing each other in.

_"Did you get any sleep?" _I pull a strand of hair behind your ear as you tell me you did. I'm glad. _"Listen, Donna, I think we should keep this between us for a little while. We need to come up with a plan now that Robert's left and there's a meeting with the name partners scheduled for this morning. I need to know what will happen with the firm, before we make this public." _I don't ask for your permission, nor do I tell you about Thomas wanting to meet me, but you don't seem to care. You only ask if I am ok. I am not, but I don't want to lie and honestly, we don't have time for it. _"I've made an appointment with Lipschitz for next week." _I kiss you. I don't want to get into what also happened last night, but I'm working on it and I hope you trust me. _"Ray's waiting downstairs. He'll be back to pick you up in an hour. I'll see you at the office." _I kiss you again before I leave.

As I close the door behind me, I think I may have been too hasty in saying goodbye to you. I wish I could have made you breakfast, I wish I could have made love to you again. But if I had done any of those things, I'd never have left your apartment. Perhaps I feel this way because I miss you already. Or because I fear that you'll change your mind.

•∞•

You wonder if I got any sleep and I guess I did. I listen to you explain your plans for this morning and I realize we never did talk about how we were going to handle telling people, but clearly you had enough time to think about it. And I go along with it. All I really care about is you.

_"Are you alright?" _Images of last night come flooding back and they unease me. As you tell me you're going back to see a therapist I feel so proud of you for handling this and not running away from it, so I don't press it. I'll ask you later if you want to talk about it, because for all my knowledge of people, panic attacks are not something I am familiar with and it bothers me.

Before I know it, you are gone and I feel like a whirlwind just blew over. I wish we'd had more time this morning. I look at the alarm clock which reads 6:30am. I better get ready. My emotions are all over the place as I step into the bathroom. Our getting together was something I've wanted for thirteen years and I feel so lucky when I think back to you proclaiming your love for me. Far too long we danced around our feelings and knowing you are all in now, fills me with so much joy, tears might spill.

I look in the mirror and I have to laugh at the face staring back at me: you really do feel like a teenager in love again. You look it, too, Paulsen. But you were in business mode this morning, Harvey. I hate it when you shut your feelings off, but you're so damned good at it. I know it's because you're in survival mode at the firm and with yourself. I get it, but I hope you realize that shutting me out is no longer an option. I take a quick shower and get dressed. It's gonna be a long day.

•∞•

I make sure I meet Thomas for lunch somewhere away from the office. I don't want you to know, Donna, until I know what he wants. I haven't seen you since I left you this morning and I don't like it. As Ray drives me across town to my meeting, I sent you a text. "Thai food at my place tonight?" I feel the strong desire to add a heart, but as in love as I am, I need to maintain some dignity and decide against it. You answer directly. [Only if it's from that shitty place I love ;)" It is followed by another message. "Where are you?" You miss me, too and I smile. I explain I am on my way to meet a client and I hope you don't ask. "I'll see you back at the office. Soon." I smile at your reply.

The meeting with Thomas is horrible and I leave feeling nauseous. Lack of sleep and a general feeling of being hit by a bus are enough to make me want to go straight home, but knowing you are in the office, makes me decide to head there, but I am definitely going home early today.

When I get out of the elevators, I walk past Louis' office and I catch a hint of auburn. Without hesitation I announce my presence. Seeing you here, after the events of last night, feels simultaneously strange and familiar. The smile on your face as you look up, is all I need to feel a hundred times better. I try to hide my own enthusiasm. Louis looks between us suspiciously as you tell me you'll meet me in five minutes.

•∞•

I haven't seen you in the office all day. I knew about the partners meeting, but you left straight after. I want to see you and I can't stand the desperation I feel. I don't like to lose control like this. It is at this moment you send me a text about your plans for tonight and I can't contain the smile crossing my face. I want to know where you are, but you remain vague and I don't push it. You text me you'll be back _soon_ and I reply that I can't wait.

I am talking to Louis in his office when I hear your voice and it feels like I've been hit by lightning, my body involuntarily tensing up, joy rising instantly. I can't repress the smile that appears from ear to ear. I hope Louis doesn't notice as I turn to face you. However, I am shocked by your appearance. You look exhausted as you demand to see me. The minute you leave, Louis makes a comment about you looking tired and I mumble something about last night being hard on everybody. It's not a lie. I wrap up as quickly so I can to head over to your office.

I find you in the corner where your records used to be, with your hands in your pockets. You look like a predator, waiting for its prey. With a small jerk of your head, you motion for me to join you and heat courses straight to my core as I obey your wordless command.

•∞•

I wait patiently in my office. I don't do patience and it seems to take you forever to get here. When I see your frame coming through the door, it sends a shiver down my spine and a jolt of lightning to my groin. Desire is raging throughout me instantly.

Get over here and let me kiss you. I take your hands in mine while I have to be careful not to get carried away. I taste lipstick and smell your perfume as I gently cover your lips with mine and I relax into you. _"Hi," _my voice is raspy. Breaking away from you is incredibly hard, but we can't do this here, not yet.

You trace my features and I see concern rising on your face. You ask me how the meeting went and I decide to tell you who it was with. _"Thomas is suing the firm for malpractice."_ I see you do a double take. I try to calm you by saying that you shouldn't get involved and that only seems to add fuel to the fire. I knew you would react that way, but I am too tired to argue with you.

You are ready to leave and I stop you. _"About tonight… I am going home early."_ I don't explain why, because I assume you know, but when you ask if I still want you to come over, I almost say no. Because if you have to ask, you might as well stay home.

•∞•

As I approach you, you reach out your hands and pull me in for a kiss. It feels weird to do this here, but it feels so good to be near you again. You pull away way too fast, if you ask me. _"Hi," _I reply in a low voice. You still don't look too well, but I don't mean to be overbearing and instead ask how your meeting went.

When you tell me you met with Thomas and he is now suing the firm, an unwavering fury is unleashed within me. How dare he! We left things amicably and yes, your name was mentioned in that conversation, but the decision to call it quits was mutual. And now he's coming after you anyway? Goddammit! And why didn't you tell me you were meeting with _him_?!

You let me vent my anger before saying I shouldn't get involved and it kicks my rage into overdrive. How can I not get involved? How can you expect me to sit on the sidelines while you have to fight once again to keep the things you love? All because of me? Don't you want me to fight for you? I need to calm down before I decide how to proceed, but just know I am _not_ letting this go.

I move towards the door and I hear you tell me you are going home early tonight, and it sounds like you're canceling on me. Great. Just what I needed. _"Do you still want me to come over?"_ I honestly don't know anymore. I am too mad to think. A silence hangs between us while we both contemplate what we want most. I know I'm being stubborn, but I want you to prove to me you want me, so I remain silent. Your voice is soft and low when you say _"Of course I want you to, Donna."_ I release the breath I was holding. I hate that I don't trust this yet. I tell you I'll be there at 7 as I exit your office without looking back.

•∞•

I swallow my pride, which turns out to be easier than I thought. Of course, I want you to come over, but it would be so much easier to blame you if you don't. I see how relieved you are and I am, too, glad to have made the right call.

I can tell you're mad as you leave, but we can talk about it tonight. I finish up some paperwork and give Ray a call. I'm home by 4 and head straight for bed. I can't believe how exhausted I am. I have half a mind to set an alarm, just in case I don't wake up.

My alarm goes off at 6, which gives me plenty of time to take a shower, put some clothes on and fix us a drink. I'm eager to see you. I didn't like our exchange in my office, even though it was all my own fault, but something else Thomas said at that meeting is eating at me and I need to find a way to tell you.

At 7PM sharp I hear a knock on my door and I can hardly contain my excitement. I'm rested, I smell good and I can't wait to kiss you. I open the door a little too fast and the loud sound it makes startles you. As our eyes meet, I see you release a sigh and the smile that forms is mirroring my own.

You look amazing in that dress. You tip your head slightly to the left and seconds pass before you step forward and instead of walking into the living room, you drop your purse to the floor and wrap your arms around my neck, kissing me with all you've got. You take your time, exploring my lips with your own. You slightly trail my bottom one with your tongue and then bite it gently, before our tongues become entangled in a passionate kiss. You pull back and give me another peck. _"Hey," _you breathe against my lips. _"Hey back," _I reply.

•∞•

The few remaining hours at work crawl by way too slowly. I was pissed as hell when I left your office. Not because of you, but because of goddamned Thomas. How dare he sue us? I tried reaching him but to no avail. But the clock strikes 6PM now and I am out of there as fast as I can.

I crash into my bedroom and pull open my closet. I need a dress. Something sexy; sexier than I wore today. I find the perfect black, low-cut sleeveless dress, that hugs me in all the right places. For a moment I ponder the need for underwear, but I decide it might be a little too early in the relationship to give all my secrets away. Instead, I choose a hot lacy number that I'm sure you'll enjoy. We have some lost time to make up for.

Thomas finally answers one of my texts with an 'I'll call you later'. I put it out of my mind. He won't ruin my night. Our night. I put some overnight things in a bag and off I go. The whole cab ride over, I feel nervous and as I stand in the hallway of your condo, I am shaky. We didn't leave things very well this afternoon and I am not sure how I'll find you on the other side of this door, but I can't wait to see you.

My knock is soft and I hope you heard it. I feel so awkward when I hear a loud noise of a door being ripped open and there you are, looking as handsome as ever. The color has returned to your face and you're wearing a dark button down with the sleeves rolled up, my favorite look.

I like how we both seem to be nervous. We are both enjoying this feeling of our newfound love and it's making us behave like idiots. I smile at the thought as I step forward. I inhale once and smell your cologne and I can't help launching myself at you. I've wanted to kiss you like this all day, but never got the chance. We seem like completely different people from the ones arguing this afternoon and I haven't decided whether that's good or not.

We finally move into the living room and I take the glass of wine you hand me as we take a seat next to each other near the fire. I rest my hand on your leg as I turn my body towards you. _"Harvey, how are you feeling?"_ I know it's a loaded question, but I have to know. _"I'm ok. I got some sleep before you came over. I was just really tired," _you say as you cover my hand with your own. You look a whole lot better, too. I'm glad. _"How about the pan…" _I don't know how to ask the question and feel foolish.

•∞•

We move to the couch with our glasses of wine and I love the close contact when you turn towards me and place your hand on my knee. Your love for me shines through in your concern for my wellbeing. I knew you were gonna inquire further, but I still haven't found an answer when you try to ask me about the panic attack. _"They come as they please. I haven't had one in a while and I thought they were behind me, but I guess they're not." _It's all I really know. _"Yesterday was quite a day, it was probably too much for my brain to process."_ I try to smile the pain away, but I think I'm failing, judging by the mournful look on your face.

As you explain your side of the experience, your love for me is undeniable. How did I shove this aside as nothing more than friendship for all these years? Just imagining the roles being reversed makes me want to throw up.

I have to reassure you I'll be fine. I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of that before. _"I'm sorry you had to see that, Donna. That's why I made an appointment with Lipschitz this morning. Trust me, I want to get it under control as much as anyone."_

•∞•

You tell me that yesterday was too much to handle for you and I can't help but feeling that I played a part in that; that somehow our getting together was the last drop for you. What if I am the trigger for your anxiety? I don't know what to make of that and my heart breaks.

_"I hated seeing you like that. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, not being able to help you while having to watch you go through it alone."_ I softly squeeze your hand as I speak. You mention Lipschitz again and I have to let you know my thoughts on that. _"I am so proud of you for doing that. It takes a lot of courage, Harvey. And I just want you to know I'll be here for you if you need me." _I guess that last part goes without saying, but I needed to get it out.

•∞•

Your words are exactly what I needed to hear. Although I am still convinced you're better off with someone who actually has his shit together and I am scared to death that deep down you know it, too. But for now you're here. _"Come here," _I tease as I set our glasses down on the table. I draw you closer. When our lips almost meet, I pull back slightly and tell you: _"Thank you." _I press our lips together before adding: "_For loving me." _Knowing those words are true is still a bit unnerving.

You meet my lips and this angle on the couch does nothing for me, so I climb on top of you, pinning you to the couch while I kiss you senseless. My hands roam all over your body and I can't wait to get you naked. Again. There's another knock on the door and I realize our food must be here. You seem just as disappointed as I am, but I'm really starving, and not just for you. Besides, I'm gonna need sustenance if tonight's gonna be anything like last night and I smile at the thought.


	3. If you could read my mind

It's so nice to just sit here and have dinner. We've done it before, but it feels completely different, yet still so familiar. The light from the fireplace dances around the room and the candlelight with our dinner adds an extra layer of intimacy to our first evening together as a couple. We're seated next to each other, so I can put my hand on your leg every now and then, just to touch you. It feels unlawful, yet I am allowed to do this now. Butterflies flutter and I smile.

I just love your place so much. As I sit with my back to the window, I take in the space, the kitchen, the amazing fireplace. You. I know the light in your bedroom is amazing. Your bedroom. I feel self-conscious at the thought. I get to sleep with you again tonight and every night from now on. I'm ridiculously giddy at the thought.

We're gonna have such a hard time deciding where to live. Your place or mine? Or just something new altogether? I kinda like that. No ghosts of Christmas past and all that. Jeez! Take it easy, Paulsen. What am I doing? Picking out china patterns already? I smile to myself. I'm blissfully dizzy and I really don't want to take it easy, but we have some things to tackle as a couple first, before we make it there. I just really hope we do.

I know I have to mention I tried getting in touch with Thomas. He is definitely something we haven't yet talked about and I don't want you to think I'm hiding anything. As soon as his name leaves my lips, I can tell you're irritated by it, because even in the candlelight it's clear as day you are clenching your jaws.

•∞•

I must admit, that shitty Thai place tastes better outside of the office. It's so nice to have you here, Donna. My entire condo lights up with you here. The candles you brought also help, but the life you bring is next level. I try to listen to you talk about work, but I am too distracted by the way your hair falls down your shoulders or the way your eye twitches when you laugh. Your leg touches mine every now and then and I just sit here and take it all in. How did I get so lucky?

When I hear you mention Thomas' name, I almost lose my appetite. What is wrong with me? But I guess we have to talk about him at some point. The bastard is suing the firm. You only inform me you haven't been able to reach him. And I should let it go. But I can't. I never want you near him again, even though I would never say that to you. Just thinking about him touching you makes me want to jump out of my skin.

Thomas. You really cared about him. You seemed happy when you were with him. Hell, a day ago you were still _with_ him. Probably woke up next to him, too. Shit. We never did talk about your relationship. As I continue to listen to you talk, I move some food around my plate as my mind unwillingly imagines you two together.

_"Did you love him?"_ I blurt out. I want to know. Because if there's any chance you still have feelings for him, I'm in some serious trouble.

•∞•

The question seems to come out of nowhere and takes me by surprise. I look at you quizzingly. Dark, haunted eyes stare at me. _"Harvey, why does that matter?" _I feel defensive, because even though it's been less than twenty-four hours since we got together, you have to know you are _it_ for me and I am all in. But your stare is unwavering and I cave. Fine.

_"I was starting to fall for him, yes, but I wouldn't call it love, yet."_ I'll always give you the truth. You don't say a word. In the ensuing quiet, I pick at my plate thinking about the events of the last forty-eight hours. My life sure turned around fast. I guess that explains the dizziness.

I can feel your eyes on me, questioning whether or not to inquire further. You don't. _"Harvey, where is this coming from? Did Thomas say something to you this afternoon?" _I have a feeling what it could be.

•∞•

When you evade my question, I almost take it like you have something to hide. I just really need to know, regardless if it pisses you off. I'm sorry, but I don't think I've ever felt jealousy like this before. I'm feeling very territorial when it comes to you. I guess I always have.

The next words out of your mouth hurt. There's no other way to describe it. So, you were falling for him. Fuck. One minute you're falling for him, the next you tell me you love me. The doubts I have about you being as invested in this as I am are invigorated, but I push the thoughts out of my mind, because it's a dark and lonely road to go down. I _have_ to trust you.

I can't tell you the reason I wanted to know, afraid you'll get mad, or worse, start questioning your feelings for me. And for him. _"No, he didn't."_ I lie.

•∞•

Something's up, Harvey. I can tell, but I'll leave it be. For now. Since we're on the subject… Now is as good a time as any to ask what I've been dying to know for too long.

_"Did you love Paula?"_ What? You didn't think I was gonna ask? Now it's your turn to avert your eyes.

•∞•

You ask me about Paula and I guess we never did talk about her, either. I wonder if you were jealous.

_"I did."_ I don't feel the need to lie, either. _"But it doesn't compare to my feelings for you."_ I slip my hand in yours, done with my food. _"I guess it makes sense now why they say you should never date your therapist."_ I smile sheepishly.

•∞•

I have to know, Harvey. _"Do you think that if she hadn't made you choose, you'd still b…"_ You cut me off and your sternness is comforting. You picked me over her even then.

•∞•

_"No. Whatever I may have felt for her was misguided. We never would have lasted."_ I think you _were_ jealous. The thought animates me a little as your thumb brushes over the back of my hand. It's small sensations like this that send shivers down my spine. Your freckles seem to dance in the moving light of the candle. I move a little closer, because I really want to kiss you.

•∞•

_"It's kinda funny, though… For all these years we've known each other, I held up a mirror for you, telling you how you felt. I was as much a therapist to you as she was and instead of dating me, you started dating her."_ Yes, Harvey, I was jealous. _"Which I think was your subconscious way of dating me, anyway."_ I smile teasingly, but this knowledge actually hurts.

I take a sip of my wine and sit back. When it comes to hiding my feelings for you, I've gotten pretty good at it. However, saying out loud what I knew back then, makes me realize exactly just how much it bothered me to see you with her.

•∞•

Hearing you describe the resemblance between you and Paula feels like a punch in the gut. No wonder she was so jealous of you. She must have known, too. How did I not see the comparison? But please don't ever compare yourself to her again. I am such an idiot. Why didn't I see it? All these years, wasted.

_"Is that why you kissed me?"_ The question is out before I know it. Obviously, I am not over it yet. Lipschitz is gonna have a field day with me next week.

•∞•

Apparently, we are having this conversation again_. "I don't know Harvey. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me: look, he's ready to commit to someone, maybe here's your chance. I really don't know…"_ I trail off. _"All I know is that I wanted to find out if there was something there."_

As I think back on that period in your life, how you met her, something clicks.

Suddenly, I understand why you went to see Paula in the first place. I inhale sharply at the realization. _"Harvey, were you having panic attacks before? Is that why you went into therapy?"_ If your answer is yes, I might know what causes them. Or better yet, _who_. Oh my god.

Silence befalls you and I can tell you're looking for a way to tell me that indeed me leaving you caused you to have panic attacks as panic starts rising within me. How ironic.

•∞•

Oh, sweet Donna. How can I ever answer you without making you feel guilty? Your panic-stricken face is heartbreaking to witness, so I reach out to you and take your hand in mine. I love the soft feel of your palm as I let my thumb caress the back. However, your eyes reveal your nervousness and I know you're waiting for me to speak. I don't know how to answer, so I opt for the truth, hoping I can convince you it's all in the past. Sort of. _"Yes. But tha…"_ You cut me off before I can finish, when you suddenly leap from the table, hands in your hair, mouth agape, eyes wild.

I move towards you as you stare at me, wild-eyed. You're working yourself up over nothing, and it's stunning to witness. My arms wrap around you in an effort to calm you down. I like that I get to do this now. I hug you tightly against me, even though you don't seem to notice.

•∞•

_"Oh my god, Harvey!_ I'm_ your trigger?"_ I jump up, the chair almost hitting the window behind me. I am pretty sure that wasn't a question. I am in shock. I don't know what to do with myself. Is this what someone experiences when they lose their minds? Because it sure as hell feels like I am. If only I had known sooner, maybe I could have done something.

Your entire body melts around me. One hand in my neck is softly massaging away the tension, while the other hand on my lower back makes sure I stay put.

_"I am so sorry." _How can I ever convey how sorry I am?_ "Is that why you had another one last night?"_ I'm talking to your neck, because you won't let go. I am your kryptonite… How do I even…? How can I…? What does it…? I want to scream. _Fuck!_

•∞•

_"I don't know,"_ I say honestly. Probably. I draw back, but you won't look at me. _"All I know is that it was really nice to have you there while it happened. Mike's the only one who was ever in the room with me when I had one at the office. But it was a completely different situation. You just being there with me last night made all the difference."_ Big eyes meet mine. The pain in them is evident and I can tell you're conflicted, but I think you believe me. _"I got them under control before and I will do it again. Please don't worry about it, okay?"_ I know it's a lot to process. _"Donna?"_ I take your face in my hands and kiss your lips, trying to take your mind off of it.

Your freak-out only shows me how much you do love me and it is such a turn on. _"I love you,"_ I say hoarsely. You will never know how much.

•∞•

You tell me that Mike was there before. He knew? How did I _not _know? But I am glad my presence helped even though witnessing you having a panic attack was the worst thing I ever had to experience. If only I could take your pain away, I would do it in a heartbeat. Momentarily, the amount of love I feel for you overwhelms me.

This is a lot to process. I can't think. You tell me not to worry, but how can I not? I feel like crying.

You kiss me again and I lean into you. You tell me you love me and I finally settle down some. _"Harvey… I love you, too, but…"_ I want to add something, not sure what, but you tell me that's all that matters and for now I just have to assume you're right. But this revelation has changed something in me. I have to come to terms with the fact that I am intricately linked to your issues. Abruptly, our relationship seems cursed and it's a terrifying idea.

•∞•

I see you struggle with that little piece of newly acquired information and I wish there was something I could do to ease your worries. But I honestly have no idea. Except for that one thing we started on the couch, but I am not sure if you're still in the mood. Maybe I can get you in the mood, because seeing you vulnerable like this, stirs something deep within me; arousing me. One way or the other, you're ending up naked in my bed tonight.

I kiss you again, slowly this time, forcing your thoughts on nothing by my lips while my hands roam freely. I feel you respond, and I know I am close to getting your mind to focus on other things than my mental health. They call me the best closer in NYC for a reason. I smirk internally as you press your body into me, and I almost push you up against the glass window behind you. Instead, I decide we need a little more ambiance.

•∞•

You are one hell of a kisser, Specter. I melt into you as your palms land on my butt, drawing me to your body. I feel my heat rising and I let go of my fears for now. We'll work it out. We just have to, because I won't spend another day without this. Without you.

_"Why don't you put on some music, and I'll clean up,"_ you say, while you motion towards your record collection. One last peck and our bodies disengage. I never thought I could miss you while we're in the same room, but I do.

Near the player is a stack of records. I love the smell of old vinyl. I choose one of my favorites and something tells me you like it as well.

The soft sounds of Otis Redding play through the speakers as I try to read the story on the back of the sleeve, but the conversation we just had distracts me. I didn't even notice you approach, but your arms curl around me from behind as you bury your face in my hair and neck. God, I love it when you do that. Your strong arms holding me tight shelters me in ways I've never experienced. I hold on tight. The scent of your amazing cologne fills my nostrils and I breathe you in, losing myself in the moment. You sway me gently as I lean into your embrace.

_"That's one of my favorites,"_ you whisper in my ear and a shiver runs through me. You pull back my hair to one side and trail kisses on my exposed skin. Lust conquers me. _"I bit you last night," _you say in between kisses. _"Did you like that?"_ The question takes me by surprise as my arousal grows and I feel your teeth raking across the top of my shoulder. You move your chin over my skin and your day-old stubble leaves a lovely burn. _"I did,"_ I moan, throwing my head back, giving you more room as our bodies rock back and forth gently. You hum against me as you press yourself against my body, softly biting, kissing, licking, driving me insane. The throbbing between my legs is now matching my racing heart.

In your arms, I turn around to face you. I put my arms around your neck as you slowly dance with me to the rhythm of the song.

Our cheeks are touching, and I delight in the scene. In you. The hand on the small of my back pulls me in and I can feel your growing arousal. You pull back slowly, leaving hardly any space between us as your breath moves over my skin. We stay like that for a while, just touching each other, being near one another. It's an intimacy that's new in our relationship and I revel in it. Love and desire course through me as you gently kiss my wanting lips. I let my tongue collide with yours as I increasingly crave your touch.

•∞•

I watch you as you move over to my record player, situated in front of the fire place. The dress you're wearing is molded to your body in such a way that it emphasizes your shape perfectly. I told you to put some music on and I see you inhale the scent of my records. I like that smell, too. I make quick work of clearing the table and putting the left overs in the fridge.

Dinner was really nice until you mentioned Thomas and I was reminded that I still need to tell you about him. I can't believe that bastard. Not only is he suing us, he's also apparently in love with you. He told me so himself, this afternoon. I guess I can't blame him for that, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him you're mine now, either. I hate that there is someone else competing for your affection. Someone you've been with and you apparently were falling for. Fucking Thomas. Why couldn't he just disappear?

I'm feel more and more possessive of you as I approach you from behind. I envelop you in my arms as I inhale you scent deeply and start to move slowly to the sounds of the music. I never want to let go. You drop the album you're holding and lean back. Being this close to you is a high no drug comes close to. I want to mark you as mine and the feeling is new to me. I whisper in your ear that your taste in music is excellent and I can sense the effect is has on you, so I press on.

Lazily kissing every part of exposed skin I can reach, I remember last night and how amazing it was to finally have you writhing underneath me again; how you came against my mouth, my fingers buried deep within you. I'm hereby making it my mission to have you be the most satisfied woman on the planet, because I can screw this up in a million different ways, but it won't be because you're physical needs aren't met. So, I need to know what you like. Biting? Check. I gently tease my teeth along the length of your shoulder as I inhale your scent. Your shampoo, your perfume, you. I push our bodies together, needing you to _feel_ what you do to me.

You turn to face me as you wrap your arms around my neck. Is it me or do our bodies fit together perfectly? Our faces are not even an inch apart and I love how being this close to you makes me feel: loved, wanted, alive.

My arousal is growing rapidly. I push my hips upwards against your groin, while I kiss you. I want you naked. I want me naked. It's about time we start catching up. We still have thirteen years to make up for.

•∞•

You move us in the direction of the couch. You're already undoing your belt and when I land on my ass, you have your pants unzipped and unbuttoned and are working on your shirt. I like the view in front of me. Wild desire is raging within you and the anticipation kills me.

You undress yourself within seconds and I am surprised at your speed. You kneel before me and your mouth is on mine, demanding, taking and I let you. Hands are roaming. Fingers are fumbling for the zipper of my dress while you breathe in my ear. "_Get up_," you direct, and I do as I'm told.

You sit back on the couch as you watch my dress slowly glide down my body and I am left in nothing but my lingerie. I take my time undoing my bra, putting on a little show while I do; cupping my breasts slowly. I lose all resolve when I see you take yourself in your hand and start stroking your arousal. Your eyes never leave mine. I feel so exposed, but it's a turn on I can't deny.

You move to the edge of the couch and draw me closer. I can feel your breath on my sex and as you inhale my scent, my legs tremble. I am so wet for you already. You kiss and nibble on me through the lace of my panties and it sends a shiver up my spine. You pull them down and let them fall to the floor, before you lift one of my legs up on the couch and the throbbing in my clit increases with every passing second.

Your mouth reaches me slowly, but I still gasp at the contact. Fuck, Harvey! My hands are in your hair as you slip two fingers in and I think I might come right here and now. It's like you're feasting on me, licking me, tasting me, and you want seconds. Your tongue and fingers are bringing me close to ecstasy and I let my head fall back. Shaking leg on the couch, buckling knee in the other, I am losing it, but it's too soon. I want you to enjoy this, too. "_Stop_," I say a little too loudly. I didn't mean to startle you, and you look confused, so I explain that it's your turn. You stare at me with a grin as you sit back and let me get to work.

•∞•

I move you towards the couch and give you a little push, so I can work on my belt and my pants. My shirt is off quickly, and I join you, forcing my mouth on yours as my hand travels up your leg. I break away to get you out of your dress. Naked is better. I unzip your dress and order you to get up. You follow my direction without hesitation, and it turns me on even more knowing you are willing to follow my lead.

I sit back and take my erection in my hand as I watch how your dress falls to the floor and dark blue lace is uncovered. Without any delay you sway to the music as you unclasp your bra and it joins the pile of clothes next to the couch. Seeing you touch yourself in the dancing light of the fireplace is such a breathtaking sight. I start stroking myself while I watch you, because I can't help but stare. You are so fucking hot and I want you to see what you do to me.

Before you have a chance to remove your panties, I move forward, drawing you to me. The angle is perfect for me to kiss your wet lips through the fabric and I can taste you already. I pull them down and lift your leg up to allow better access. You are so wet, it's dizzying. I press my mouth to your core and flick my tongue over your clit. You pull on my hair and I know I'm in the right spot. Two fingers slip inside, teasing, exploring, while my other hand reaches around. I await your response, and you seem to enjoy me teasing your ass and I will definitely remember that for later.

You stop me and I guess I am no longer the one calling the shots here. _"Your turn," _you say breathlessly, and I accommodate your demand willingly, minutely tracking how you drop in between my legs on the floor. Your hands caressing the insides of my legs, before they find my pulsing erection.

As soon as your tongue touches my tip, I want to let out a howl. Instead I moan your name, and it only encourages you. You take your time doing different things and I can't keep track. I tangle my hands in your hair to coax your head to stay where it is, but I feel my release building and it's too soon. I sound downright forceful when I tell you that's enough. You take direction very well. Is that the actress in you?

•∞•

I drop to my knees between your legs and this position is perfect. I can keep this up for a while… I take my time exploring your hard length once more. I listen for every sound to learn what you like best; every moan, every whimper, every 'Donna'. Taking you in my mouth slowly, deeply, you let out a guttural moan. I feel your hands in my hair as I continue licking and sucking, tasting your salty wetness, letting my hand go up and down your shaft. I want to make you come, Harvey. With no intention whatsoever to stop, I continue. Your breathing intensifies and I know you're close.

_"Enough! Up."_ Your demand is loud. Dammit. You're being bossy. And I really like it.

I stand and take you in. The light of the fireplace dances on your skin, as your lustful eyes look me over. You are so damn sexy, Harvey. How did I manage all these years without jumping you? How will I ever manage not jumping you now every chance I get?

You pull me towards you. I watch you as you watch me straddle you. Your eyes are as dark as I've ever seen them, desire tearing at you. You angle your beautiful erection for me. As I slide down and take you all in, I feel fireworks. I need a minute to adjust and slowly move back and forth until I find a rhythm that seems to be working for both of us, taking you as deep as you'll go. I place my hands behind your shoulders, while I move my hips back and forth, creating extra friction on my clit. Your hands comb through my hair and pull me in for a kiss while our connection increases.

I need some air and drop my hands behind me on your knees, exposing my upper body to you. You seem to delight in it, taking one breast in your hand, while bringing your mouth to the other. I slow my pace so you can suckle on me, while your thumb moves between us and starts rubbing circles right where I need it the most. I cry out your name in warning, because I am getting too close.

_"Up,"_ you command again and I comply.

•∞•

You stand up slowly, giving me a wonderful view of your gorgeous, naked body. You place a knee on each side of me and look at me with eyes filled with lust as I take my now rock-hard erection in my hand once more and you position yourself over me.

At your entrance, you wait a second before sliding down. Our connection sends a ripple effect through me. I let you find a rhythm for us and I am burying myself even deeper than before. Fuck, Donna. You're driving me wild.

I kiss you while are bodies writhe together. You bend backwards, leaning on my knees giving me the best possible view of your perfect body. Your breasts fill my palms and I have room to explore, circling my tongue over your hard nipple, while massaging the other. I rub your clit and I want to push you over the edge.

Out of nowhere I see Thomas in my place, fucking you, tasting your body and it catches me off guard. _I'm in love with her. _He's gonna put up a fight for you. The thought terrifies me. I can't lose you. Goddammit.

_"Harvey!"_ you shout out, and you bring me back to the moment. I feel an immediate disconnect from you and I don't know how to turn it around. Seeing your face right now is too much, so I demand you get up.

I turn you around and make you kneel before me on the couch. I slam into you and I see you brace yourself. I don't care. I need to come. My thrusts are fast and hard and soon enough my climax approaches and I explode into you, riding the waves while resting my head on your back. There is hardly any gentleness when I pull out and leave you there. I walk over to the kitchen for a towel and I realize I don't even know if you came. _Shit. _

You must have noticed something, because as you walk towards me, you ask what happened. _"I didn't hurt you, did I?"_

•∞•

Kneeling on the couch, I brace myself against the soft leather as I let you take me from behind, hard. You leave no denying your need for release as you pound me relentlessly. I don't know where this urgency is coming from and I am a little startled by it, but it's creating a friction I can't deny and before long my climax is approaching as I rub my own clit. I hear your moans increase and I know you're close, too. As I feel my climax nearing, your body is jerking, and I come with you as our orgasms overtake us. You rest your head between my shoulder blades, holding onto my hips before you pull out and walk away, leaving me alone in the aftermath of a pretty amazing orgasm. What the hell?

_"What was that?"_ I have a large smile plastered on my face. This was not the gentle Harvey that made love to me last night. My question surprises you a little and you're genuinely concerned you hurt me. You didn't, I reassure you. _"I've never seen that side of you. It felt like there was a different Harvey in the room…" _I trail off. Even though we've only had sex twice, both times were far more playful, and I need to know why this is different.

You hand me a towel to clean myself up as you go back to the sink for some water. Something's off. You're being distant. You explain how you like to take control and it doesn't surprise me in the least. I wait for you to continue, but you don't.

_"You can fuck me as hard as you want, Harvey, but if there's a reason why you need that kind of release, I'd like to know why,"_ I press on. You remain silent for a while as you lean forward on your counter, away from me. I know you are trying to find the words and I give you time to do so.

•∞•

Hearing you declare I can fuck you as hard as I want is something I'd never thought I'd hear you say. It's a testament that you really are mine and I feel a new responsibility for my actions.

_"It's Thomas, okay. He said some things that stuck in my head." _Naturally, you want to know what, but I can't utter the words.

•∞•

_"Like what? Harvey? What did he say?"_ I make my way across the counter, towards you, because this space between us is killing me. _"Did he tell you he's in love with me?" _Of course! He must have. He told me, too.

•∞•

_"He did." _You don't look surprised. Did you know? "_He was sure he still had a chance with you." _I can't even look you in the eye when I say this._ "So yeah, maybe I was pissed at him and took it out on you. I'm sorry."_ I fail to tell you how I scared I am that he might succeed at taking you from me. You are next to me now and I turn towards you as you place your palms on my chest.

•∞•

_"It's okay, Harvey. Take it out on me all you want,"_ I add with a smirk. Because that was fucking hot. I gently place my hand on your cheek, hoping to offer more comfort as my thumb moves back and forth slowly. _"But please tell me these things, okay, because when you turn your emotions off like that…"_ I find it hard to finish that sentence, but you wait for me to continue. _"…I just get… nervous."_ I don't explain why, but I think you get the idea, judging by the look on your face.

You take my face in your hands and kiss me gently. Our naked bodies meet and it feels weirdly freeing how comfortable this is. I pull back slowly and wait to meet your eyes before I add, _"And Thomas and I are over, Harvey. I love _you_. I want to be with you, not him."_ I felt you needed the reassurance and I was right. You kiss me again and without realizing it we are swaying to the music once more.

•∞•

Your hand on my face feels warm, soothing. I never meant to turn off my emotions. It's just that I am so used to doing it, I don't even know how to stop. It's going on the ever-growing list of 'Things to discuss with Lipschitz'.

You sound insecure. And although I wish you weren't, I can't blame you. I feel the same way. It's oddly comforting knowing that we both still need to get used to this. So, we kiss again, letting our naked bodies touch like we've been doing it forever.

Our kiss is broken when you reaffirm that you and Thomas are over. I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing you say you love me, let alone that you want to be with me. Another item for the list: how can I not screw this up?

Our lips meet again, slowly, softly. In the dim lights of the kitchen, we move to the music once more. I'll never be able to listen to this record again without thinking about you.

•∞•

Out of the blue, you give me a little slap on my ass and I know playful Harvey is back.

_"Make love to me, Harvey,"_ I say, with a smile tugging at my lips. This time we'll take it slow.

Otis is singing about how he's been loving someone for too long, when you lace your fingers with mine and lead me to your bedroom.

•∞•

I try to disentangle my body from yours, careful not to wake you. I really need to pee, but before I make it out of the bed, your hand finds mine. In the darkness, the worry in your eyes is still clear as day and I smile at you. _"I'm just going to the bathroom. Go back to sleep," _I whisper before leaning in for a kiss. But when I return, you're wide awake, sitting up, unconvinced everything is okay. So, I climb back in bed and lay my head on your chest, wrapping my body around yours. It's in moments like these where I _feel_ the definition of true love. Here, in your arms, I am finally at peace.

* * *

_A/N: So basically, the first 3 chapters cover the first 24 hours. The next one will be set further in the future. I had to find a way to deal with dialogue and I am not sure this style works well for it... Please let me know what you think. :) I have another fic I'm working on, too, so an update for this will take longer._


	4. When the stars won't shine

_A/N: __This is a pretty standalone chapter with only one reference to what happened before, but I felt I needed to write it. __Usually when I start writing, I have a general idea of where I want to go, but sometimes the characters just decide to go a different route. That's why this chapter is a bit longer than the other ones. Donna and Harvey had to have sex. Again. It's also the first chapter that made me cry while writing it. I hope you enjoy._

* * *

You maneuver us skillfully through traffic, trying to leave the city on a Friday night. When a red light forces us to a standstill, you lean over for a kiss. My heart flutters. I have never been in love like this before. Even though our start was a bit rocky and things aren't exactly ideal at work at the moment, I know you and I are in it for the long haul.

When we finally make it out onto the highway, your place your hand in mine while your other remains on the steering wheel. I stroke it gently, tracing every knuckle, turning it over to trail my finger from your wrist to the end of each digit, thinking about what those fingers are so capable of, like pleasuring me over and over again.

Any chance you get, you take my hand. It's a habit I've picked up, too, resulting in us always touching each other, no matter where we are. We even do it in the office sometimes. It's a reassurance, a reminder that the other one is there. Always. I've never felt more secure.

We are on our way to Boston to meet your mom. We've only been together for a month and I must say I am a little nervous. For many years I've known your history and what she did to you and I hated her for it. However, you made amends a while ago and since then, you seem happier, relieved, your mind more at ease. So, I have to let my prejudices about her go, hoping we'll all have a good time.

Soon, trees are whizzing by the further north we get. We still have a few hours to go. There's an old song playing on the radio as I drift off, exhausted from the week I've had.

Your hand stays where it is.

•∞•

Traffic is a bitch. I can't wait to get out on the highway, so I can finally put my foot to the gas. When I have to break for yet another red light, I have the option to get really annoyed at something I don't have any power over or I can make the best of not having to focus on the road for a minute. I choose the latter. Any chance to kiss you is a blessing, so I try and take full advantage. You smile as I lean over, closing the distance, your soft lips finding mine. _"I love you,"_ you say, and I can't help but grin like an idiot myself. I love hearing those words from you. _"I love you more," _I tease. It's not a contest and you know it.

We finally leave the city behind and I push the Aston Martin hard. I hit cruise control and let the car take it from here. I already miss your touch, so I reach out my hand. You've gotten used to me doing it and I smile at the thought as you immediately start playing with my fingers. Your touch soothes me, it always has.

My mind wonders off to the reason we're in the car. Ever since my relationship with my mom was restored, I have wanted you to meet her. We just never got around to it. I've told her about us and I could hear the joy in her voice when she realized you were that special person in my life. She invited us right away. Marcus too has been pestering me about bringing you over. He's always loved you. I'm pretty sure he'll happily kick my ass in person for taking so long to finally come to my senses. I feel so fortunate to have people in my life who care so much.

I look over and your eyes are closed. I know how tired you were, so I let you sleep. We still have a long way to go.

After a quick bathroom break, we are on our way again. I booked us a hotel room, even though Marcus insisted we stay with them. I told him you might prefer your privacy, being new to the family and all. He bought it. I just didn't want him to overhear us having sex. Thirteen years of repressed feelings have resulted in us going at it like rabbits. We just can't seem to stop. It's gotten so bad that we're even doing it in the office. I smile thinking back on all the spots we've checked off and the ones still on the list. I can't get enough of you, Donna. Shit, I almost get hard now, tired or not. A hotel room was definitely a good idea.

After a while, I pull into the parking lot and get our bags.

•∞•

Our suite at the Liberty is absolutely amazing. Floor to ceiling windows overlooking the city, big king size bed, oversized bathtub. You have good taste, Harvey. I'm proud to be with a man who does.

My little powernap in the car has reinvigorated me. I know you must be really tired when you don't join me in the shower. I'm a little disappointed, but that's okay. I don't mind curling up next to you and watching you as you drift off.

I wash the workweek off of me, slowly feeling the tension ease out of my muscles.

When I return to the bedroom, all the lights are off, except for the ones by the bedside. You're on top of the covers waiting for me, on your back, naked, stroking yourself leisurely. I bite my lip and smile, dropping the robe I was wearing, trying to seductively clamber over to you. I kiss you as soon as I reach you. I had an idea in the shower, but I wasn't sure if I needed to save it for later. I was pretty turned on by it and finding you ready for me only adds to my arousal.

_"I thought you were tired_._"_ I pull at the scrunchy in my hair, letting it fall around us as I place my lip to yours again. _"I am, but he apparently isn't."_ You motion to your erection, a lazy smile appearing at your lips. I love how you sometimes refer to your penis like it has a will of its own. I still giggle at it.

Your fatigue is actually pretty convenient for what I want to do with you.

_"Hold on."_ I climb off the bed and get your tie. You watch me carefully, not knowing what I am up to. I reposition myself on top and instruct you to close your eyes. You do as I say, trusting me blindly. I secure your tie around your eyes, kissing your lips, letting my tongue travel as your senses are heightening. I wish I had something else to tie your hands with, but I don't, so for now they get to roam in the darkness. I sense how they are tentative in their caresses, like they're touching me for the first time, tracing my shape and landing on my breasts. My nipples harden against your touch, the tight round buds brushing your palms, sending shivers up my spine as I arch my back.

•∞•

The shower turns on and I imagine the water slowly cascading down your amazing body. I get hard instantly. I start playing with my erection, not wanting to get too carried away, but desperately wanting to be ready for you. I could join you right now, but I think I'll surprise you by just waiting here. Honestly, you might have to do all the work tonight anyway. I hope you don't mind.

The shower turns off and I wait impatiently, craving to see your face when you walk in. The moment you do, your expression is exactly what I had hoped for. Desire hitting you immediately when your eyes fall upon me. You crawl towards me and I let you take the lead. I can be tired later, so can my hard-on. The giggle that escapes your throat reverberates through me.

Suddenly, you're gone and I have no idea what you're doing. With my tie in your hand you climb back on top and I have a feeling I know where this is heading. God, Donna. You never cease to amaze me. I close my eyes at your command and when the fabric is secured around my eyes, my instincts take over. The taste of your lips, the smell of your hair, the touch of your skin, soft moans in my ear, the intensity of it is spectacular.

My skin is on fire, absorbing your wet kisses. My palms brush over your surface, the sensation completely new to me, tracing every curve, every muscle. I fondle my way to your breasts, cupping them. Your nipples are hard against my palm and I give extra attention to the area, my own arousal increasing by the second while I explore in complete darkness.

Without notice you raise my erection in your hand and I am shocked by the sensation, my abdomen contracting. Your voice is soft. _"You okay?"_ I hear. Everything is more than okay. I feel you shift and I wait impatiently, not knowing what is coming next. I never thought I'd enjoy relinquishing control like this, but then again, with you, everything is different.

•∞•

Your erection is jumping, so I palm you and stroke your beautiful length. The sudden contact makes you hiss and I have to check if you're alright. You nod vigorously. Good. I leave your hips to slide in between your legs, continuing my strokes with increasing pressure. I watch you as I ever so softly lick the tip. As if struck by lightning you arch off the bed, gripping the bedsheet, moaning my name. So, I do it some more.

I am so damn proud of myself. I love pleasuring you like this, taking you in my mouth as far as you'll go, leaving you there while I swallow around it. You love me doing this and the guttural moan you elicit proves it. Soon enough I have you begging.

I kiss my way up your body, teasing your nipples, before I nuzzle your neck. Your hands are in my hair as you bring my head back down to your mouth. I position you against my core and slowly slide down, my warm and wet center enveloping you as you thrust into me, kissing me senseless. I lean back, meeting your thrusts one by one, your hands on my hips. I am so turned on right now, I know I won't last long, and something tells me you won't either.

Your thumb finds my clit and I feel a well-known pleasure building inside. I moan your name, while I throw my head back. _"Harvey, I'm close," _I warn. _"Me too," _you manage to get out and I let you continue rubbing me, while I take you in writhing beneath me. You are comfortable being at my mercy and I revel in that notion. You are _mine._

•∞•

I am propelled off the bed by some unseen force when your tongue touches the head. Never before have I felt this much stimulation, the titillating sensation almost too much to handle. So, I grip the bedsheets and hold on for dear life as you swallow me whole, taking your time driving me insane. I beg for more, for you to stop, for this to never end.

You release me from your mouth and I ache from the loss of your touch. Luckily, you are moving upwards again, leaving a trail of kisses on my still burning skin, never before having realized just how sensitive my body can be. Before long I have your head in my hands and I don't want to let go, kissing you, smelling you, tangling my fingers in your hair. But you need more and I let you guide me inside of you.

The tightness combined with your heat brings me to my breaking point. I want you with me and let my hand fumble till I find your most sensitive spot, rubbing it till I hear you moan loudly. We are both so close and I try to keep going, but the room fades away and my orgasm overtakes me as I feel your walls convulsing around me.

•∞•

I explode into a million pieces, feeling you release inside me at the same time. We've gotten good at that, too. I ride the waves until they pass and I collapse on top of you, noticing how your body is shaking. Kissing you, I remove your makeshift blindfold. You blink a few times before switching positions. _"Jesus, Donna." _You kiss me hard, pressing my body into the mattress._ "That was goddamned hot!"_ You sound surprised, thanking me with another blistering kiss. _"I'm glad you liked it,"_ I grin. There's more where that came from. You just wait.

You whisper in my ear and the quiet room gives the words all the more meaning, they are meant for me alone. _"I'm the lucky one,"_ I counter.

You rest your head on my pillow, covering half my body with yours, falling asleep within minutes, your face as relaxed as I've ever seen it. I listen to your breathing, letting sleep find me as well.

•∞•

I don't think I ever came this hard. My body is trembling with aftershocks as you drape yourself over me. As soon as I can see, I flip us over, trying to express how fucking awesome that was. You seem pleased with yourself and you have every right to be. I feel like I can't get close enough to you. I want to hold you, melt our bodies together and make sure you know how much I love you.

_"You are amazing." _I kiss your lips again and move my lips to your ear._ "How did I get so lucky?"_ I whisper, hoping to convey my sincerity. My heart jumps at your reply. I've never been this in love before.

The next morning, we sleep in, skipping breakfast. Feeling revitalized, I properly thank you for last night, before we jump in the shower together and get ready for the day. Because today I get to show you around Boston. I'm so excited to show you this part of my history.

•∞•

You leave our bed in the middle of the night and I still get nervous every time you do, even though you haven't had a panic attack since our first night together. My mind eases the moment I see your frame come through the door just a minute later. I hide my worries and pretend to sleep as you settle in beside me.

I awake from soft, wet kisses being placed on my collarbone. Good morning, Harvey! I love waking up next to you. Our morning together is amazing, making me wish we could just stay in all day, despite the eagerness you reveal at getting to show me around town. I can't deny how cute you are right now.

After showing me around campus, we have lunch at one of the places you used to frequent when you were still in college. I imagine a college-aged you, struggling hard with his situation at home, while excelling at school. As the son of two artists, it makes sense you would go a completely different route, craving stability and order. It probably also meant you had to work for it that much harder and you probably felt alone most of the time. I ask it you liked your college years. I don't think we've ever really talked about it before.

You think I expect a generic, 'please the crowd' type of answer like, 'I loved it' or 'best years of my life', but you know me better than that and you can tell my concern is genuine.

•∞•

Harvard. I have some really fond memories of this place. It gave me the step up in life I needed. After I show you around, we have lunch at this place that's has been around for ages. I used to come here every weekend, I brought my dates here. Your voice is gentle when you ask me if I liked college. Immediately I want to convince you I had the best time. Isn't that what everyone does when posed this question? But the look on your face tells me you won't believe me if I do.

_"My parents split up when I was in college. I moved out of the house soon after. There was no way I could stay there knowing I was the one who…" _It still hurts talking about it. I swallow hard as you watch me intently. _"I broke up our family."_ You reach across the table to take my hand in yours waiting for me to continue. "_College meant getting away from home and everything that happened there. So, I tried to get the most out of it." _You ask if I was ever lonely and the question pierces right through my heart. Nobody has ever asked me that before. How do you do that? I try to smile the pain away, but I fail. _"I was, even though I told myself I wasn't. My parents never went to college, so they had no idea what it entailed. Jessica paid for it, so it didn't concern them. And during and after the divorce, my dad was just so preoccupied. He tried to be supportive… I don't blame him."_

I stare at my sandwich.

•∞•

I listen to you explain your experience and my heart breaks for you. I'm glad you're being honest with me and I am so sorry you had to go through that. You fall silent. _"Hey." _I try to get your attention, smiling tenderly. Your sad eyes meet mine. _"You'll never have to feel lonely like that again."_ My thumb brushes over the back of your hand, in an effort to add weight to my words. _"I know," _you say convincingly, the sadness in your eyes changing to love.

A few hours later, we pull up to your mom's house. My nerves have gotten a bit worse and you have noticed my silence. Before we get out, you reach over. _"Hey." _I meet your eyes. _"It's gonna be fine." _I don't say anything, I just kiss you, needing to shake this uneasiness off.

We get out of the car and I take a deep breath. You wait for me to make it around to your side, so you can link your fingers with mine as we walk up the steps to the front door. My heart is racing, but I hold on to you.

•∞•

Loneliness had become such a normal thing for me, I never really considered it. You really can get used to anything, like coming home to an empty apartment, day after day, not having anyone to share your day with, endless anonymous sex or jerking off to a fantasy. However, now that we're together, I can't believe I lasted as long as I did without going crazy. I hunger for your presence every minute of the day. Your words warm my heart, because I know you mean them and I feel like the luckiest bastard alive.

The drive to my mom's house is short, but you haven't said a word. You don't have to be nervous, but I get it. Pulling up, I try to reassure you. I can't say I am not nervous myself. I haven't spoken to my mom a lot. It's not like we are suddenly very close. We are still rebuilding our relationship, too. So, I wait for you to take my hand, because I need you next to me when I ring the doorbell.

We share one final look, both feeling like idiots for making such a big deal about this. The door opens and Marcus is the one answering. His eyes are a bit more sunken and he's lost some weight since the divorce, but the smile on his face tells me not to worry.

"Harvey!" Marcus gives me one of his bear hugs, forcing me to let go of your hand. He lets go and I regard him vigilantly, not knowing how he'll greet you.

•∞•

Your brother clearly loves you. I haven't seen Marcus in ages. He looks a bit worse for the wear, but I am sure we do, too. I wait for him to finish hugging you, a smile creeping on my lips, watching you both.

"Donna." His voice is far gentler with me. "It's so good to see you again." He kisses my cheek and hugs me, too, albeit it with some reserve. _"It's good to see you, too, Marcus."_

"So, this fool finally got his shit together, huh? Took him long enough." Marcus is only teasing, but I can see it still pains you to be reminded of what we missed. Marcus turns his back to us, leading the way. I give you a wink and take your hand, walking into the house.

There's a wonderful smell coming from what I assume is the kitchen as an older gentleman approaches me. You inform me this is Bobby. _The Bobby_ I mentally add. It's so hard not to picture your history with him. The man offers me his hand and I shake it before we continue on further into the house. We indeed arrive at the kitchen where a blond-haired woman looks up at us with the brightest of smiles.

"Harvey! Donna! You made it." Lily seems really excited about our presence. She drops what she is doing and comes over to where we're standing, taking off her apron before hugging you. You embrace and I watch how your body relaxes. You pull back. _"Mom, I want you to meet someone."_

_Here we go, _I think. I suppress my nerves and put on a smile. You sound proud introducing me to a woman who has been critical in your life and I fall in love with you all over again. Your mom turns towards me and takes both my hands in hers.

"It's so nice to finally meet you." Her grip is strong and I see something familiar in her face and the way she speaks. "I am forever grateful to you for your part in getting my son to make his peace with me." She completely blindsides me. Noticing the change in my expression, she gives me a warm smile. Her word choice makes it that I can't really deny her statement. _"I just helped him see what he already knew in his heart. He still took care of the hard part." _I look over at you, still so proud of you, knowing it couldn't have been easy. _"And it's really nice to finally meet you, too." _I squeeze her hands, a genuine sense of relief settling over me.

It's a moment between the three of us that I will forever cherish.

•∞•

Marcus calling me a fool stings, but I let it go. I can't change the past, nor do I want to. If I hadn't gone through all the shit that happened in the past twenty-something years, I wouldn't be the man I am today, ready to love you with everything that I am. You take my hand and we walk through the door. I realize I am glad this isn't the house I grew up in. We don't need all those memories haunting us.

Bobby greets us. I tolerate the man, but we'll never be friends. I sense your wariness of him the moment I introduce you. It must be so weird for you to be here.

The smell of my mom's cooking becomes increasingly stronger as we walk into the kitchen. It smells like family to me and for the first time in forever I feel like I am finally a part of one. My mom is so excited to see us and I must say I am excited to see her, too. I lean into her embrace, hugging her just a little longer. I break the contact, suddenly desperate to introduce you. I hadn't anticipated this moment to be so emotional. The two most important women in my life, finally meeting. My voice breaks just a little. _"This is Donna." _

I observe you and my mom connecting, the words you exchange hardly registering. I just know that when your eyes meet mine and I see the smile on your face, I love you more than I did before. I swallow hard, clenching my jaws.

Somehow Bobby and Marcus reappear, having been absent for the past few minutes. The moment's gone and I ask what your making, taking a seat at the counter with you joining me, our legs touching.

"It's a surprise. But for dessert I made your favorite. Strawberry pie." _"That's your favorite?" _I hear you whisper in my ear, incredulously. _"I am so telling Dr. Lipschitz on you!" _I teasingly tell you to knock it off, feeling embarrassed. You squeeze my leg and I cover your hand with mine, leaning in for a kiss. We're here. You've met. I feel myself finally relax.

"What were you two mumbling about?" Marcus' voice cuts through forcing us to break our kiss. I look up and see three pairs of eyes focused on us.

•∞•

The other two men walk into the kitchen and I take a seat next to you at the counter, needing to feel you close to me as my nerves slowly settle down. Bobby pours us a drink. I have just taken a sip of my wine when your mom says something about strawberry pie being your favorite and the liquid in my mouth threatens to make its way out my nose. Oh my God. Strawberries? I should have known your fetish was related to your mom and I can't help teasing you about it. _"Stop it,"_ you growl, so I rest my hand on your leg and you kiss me. The ice has definitely been broken.

Marcus says something and I realize everyone is looking at us. You clear your throat and I remember something we forgot. _"I was just telling Harvey we forgot something in the car." _I remind you of the bottle of wine we got your mom. We were too preoccupied to remember bringing it in when we arrived.

You get up and leave me alone in the kitchen with your relatives.

"Marcus told me you are staying at a hotel?" Lily asks from behind the counter, already back at the cutting board. _"We are."_ "Good. I know what it's like to be in love." She shoots me a knowing look and I blush. "And I can tell by the way he looks at you that he really loves you."

Hearing your mom say it means something to me. You may have had your differences, but you are still her son and she _knows_ you. _"I love him, too."_ The admission in public, to your family, makes me feel exposed, like they might have the power to tell me I am not worthy, yet at the same time, it gives me a sense of belonging, because everyone in this room feels the same.

Dinner is lovely. Your mom is a great storyteller and I love hearing about your childhood, even though you clearly don't care for the embarrassing stories being shared here tonight. But every time I catch your eye, you seem sincerely happy.

•∞•

After dinner, you join my mom in the kitchen, who indicated the men were not welcome there. It's part of a bonding ritual I never thought I'd experience. When Paula met her, it was so different, almost forced, but you just fit right in and I am glad you two are getting to know each other.

Marcus, Bobby and I share some scotch and I know the questions are bound to fly. "Harvey, you gotta tell me man… You and Donna have known each other forever. What happened?" Marcus wants to know.

_"It's a long story." _I hope they will leave it at that.

"Katie has the kids tonight. I have nowhere else to be."

"Me neither", Bobby adds.

_"Alright, I'll tell what happened. I was about to lose my license." _I suddenly realize this admission might come as a shock. _"Someone else took the fall for me." _Ever more shocking? Both men are wide-eyed._ "He had his reasons for doing so. But it was a monumental event."_

"No shit," Bobby interjects. "Sorry, go on."

_"Donna wasn't there. I couldn't share it with her __and it__ made me see that no event in my life had any meaning unless she was there with me. I mean, she has been at my side for so long. We've been through hell and back and I was finally at a place where I could acknowledge the fact that I love her. She makes me a better lawyer and a better man. She always has. I had my head so far up my ass I would have missed dad's funeral if it hadn't been for her. She was the one that encouraged me to make amends with mom. I owe everything to her." _The two men across the table just look at me in awe. I guess they're not used to me sharing my feelings. I feel a bit self-conscious when Marcus tells me he is really happy for me and I am glad I told them.

"You know why I always called her when I needed to talk to you?" Marcus poses the question I have been dying to ask all night. _"No." _I answer quickly.

"Because the few times I did, I just knew she would get you to call me back."

_"I would have called you back, Marcus."_

"No, Harvey, you wouldn't have. You would have gotten so caught up in work or whatever bullshit you had going on and it just wouldn't have been important enough."

I know he's probably right. It hurts like hell to hear him say it. Just like when he told me had gotten sick again and hadn't informed me about it. I stare at my drink as he continues. "But I knew Donna would get you to do it. Look, I'm not trying to break your balls here. What I'm trying to say is that for the longest time I've known she was someone special who cared a lot about you. Even dad knew. I'm just glad you finally saw it, too."

_"You have no idea." _The mention of dad knowing about you brings a sadness to the surface I didn't know resided in me. If only he was still here… I would have been honored to introduce you and he would have been so pleased. His absence is suddenly looming large in my mind and heart.

•∞•

Lily pours us a glass of wine as we take a seat at the counter.

"You know… I met Paula. Harvey had once told me someone very special to him had motivated him to reconcile with me. I made the mistake of thinking that was her. It was very awkward."

_"Poor Paula."_ No wonder she was so threatened by me. Everywhere she went she was reminded of my existence._ "Paula wanted Harvey to fire me, because I guess she felt threatened by me or the history Harvey and I shared. He couldn't do it, so he got someone to offer me a job. I knew what was going on, so I decided to quit. But he surprised me by not accepting my resignation, even though it caused him his relationship." _I don't even want to think about where we would be if you hadn't done that.

"Clearly, you have meant a great deal to him for a very long time."

_"I have. It just took him a while to recognize that, too."_

"Sometimes men can be like that. But if he's been in your life for so long already, know that he's not going anywhere." Her words make me believe she speaks from personal experience.

_"We've definitely had our ups and downs over the years, but I can't imagine my life without him." _I hope I'll never have to. Lily just looks at me with a graceful smile.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. I know how Harvey has struggled with relationships in the past and I know I am partially to blame for that. So, knowing my son has someone as wonderful as yourself in his life who loves him and takes care of him, is more than I ever could have wished for." There is no doubt in my mind that this woman loves you very much, Harvey.

•∞•

You finally reappear, glass of wine in your hand and I momentarily lose my focus, the way you carry yourself as you enter the room demands all my attention. Our eyes meet and a dazzling smile appears on your lips. I pull the chair next to mine backwards for you to take a seat in and I want to kiss you desperately. I take your hand instead. _"Hey." _I don't need to ask you if everything is okay. Your eyes tell me all I need to know. We just stare at each other for a second, my thumb rubbing circles over the back of your hand. Screw it. I lean in for a kiss anyway and you meet me halfway. I don't care what the rest thinks. I'm madly in love with you and am not afraid to show it.

The evening winds down and you inform me you're getting tired and I guess I am, too. We say our goodbyes and before long we're pulling out of the drive way, leaving my mom's house as different people than how we arrived. You were initiated into the family tonight and you have no idea how much that means to me. My love for you grows a little more, still.

Exhaustion washes over me the moment we walk into the hotel room. It's been one hell of a day. I watch you climb into bed and rest your head next to mine, sharing my pillow.

•∞•

When I walk into the dining room, your handsome face turns towards me and our eyes lock. All at once it's like there's no one else in the room. I could have walked into a room with a hundred other people and still felt like we were the only two people on the planet. I wonder if you're thinking the same thing. I sit down and don't want to break our eye contact. It's just so intimate, like we're having a secret conversation. Your touch is something I realize I missed tonight, so when you lean forward, I can wait to press my lips against yours regardless the brevity our kiss is. I think I hear the voices around us falling silent, but I don't care.

Thirty minutes later I am stifling a yawn. This has been one amazing day, but I am really getting tired. Putting on my coat, your mom tells me she would love for us to visit more often and I tell her we will and that she's always welcome to visit us, too. I never thought I would like your mom so much, but the more I talked to her, the more I recognized how alike you two are and my heart breaks for the fact that you lost so much time together.

When we get into the car, something significant has shifted between us. I feel even closer to you than before. I had no idea that was possible.

Finally, I climb into bed. The room is dark but I find you blind. You are on your side facing me and I rest my body flush against yours, chest to chest, hip to hip, sharing your pillow, one arm tucked under, the other around you. Our legs do their dance and I kiss you gently. _"Thank you for bringing me here."_ You kiss me with a little more passion in return. You tell me your mom loved me and I am delighted. _"I really liked her, too. She loves you so much." _

My finger is drawing lazy circles on your back and I feel myself starting to doze off when you ask me a question. _"I love you, Harvey."_ I turn around and let you spoon me and before long I am gone.

•∞•

The nearness of you is captivating. I wish we could stay like this forever. Your lips are soft on my own, thanking me for bringing you here. You know I am the one who should be thanking you, right? My kiss in return is a little more heated. _"My mom loved you." _When you tell me you like her, too I feel something ease out of me I didn't even know was there. Suddenly there are more stars in the sky for me to see, even though they have always been there. I was just never in the right spot to see them. _"Do you have any idea how much I love you?" _It's really a rhetorical question, because it's impossible for you to know. All you know is you love me, too.

You face the other way and I mold my body to yours, my arm coming to rest on your chest. You hold me tight. I inhale your scent one last time and feel myself slip into blissful oblivion.

The next morning, I slip out of bed to get a shower. I must admit I am a little nervous. There is one final stop I want to make before we head home. It wasn't on the list, however after last night I feel a strong desire to pass by this one particular spot. As the water cascades down my body and steam has covered the six-foot long glass divider, I see a flash of auburn walk by. The walk-in shower has no door, so you join me effortlessly under the waterfall, pressing your glorious figure to mine, kissing me intensely. You radiate desire. My body responds to you instantly. You palm my growing arousal and stroke me eagerly, while I make my way down your neck, pulling your wet hair aside, gently sucking on your sensitive, porcelain skin just below your earlobe.

My hands cup your ass before one of them moves to the front, sliding between your legs, finding you hot and ready. I slip a finger inside, then another, moaning in your ear as I feel myself lose control with every second your hand twists and turns around my shaft.

In one quick motion I pull your hand off of me and push you up against the glass, spreading your legs with my own, watching you brace for impact. I position myself and in one motion upwards sheath myself inside of you. I am startled at the sensation._ "Fuck, Donna." _

•∞•

I awake the next morning to an empty bed. I feel stupid for being disappointed. The shower is running, so there's really only one thing I can do. I walk in without saying a word, scanning the image in front of me. Wet is definitely my favorite color on you, you sexy, sexy man. I cross the distance swiftly and cover your mouth with my lips, letting our tongues find each other. You definitely like that, so I grip your hardening length, readying you to take me.

Your hand explores my sex and I feel you enter me. I am so hot for you already. Your breath is in my ear as a moan escapes my lips. Before I know what's happening, I am up against the glass, my nipples hardening even further at the cold contact, your body pressing into me.

You spread my legs and I put my hands out. With your hands on my hips I feel you fill me up in one slick motion. Fuck! This feels good. Your name escapes my lips involuntarily as you drive into me, the water hitting us both in different places, adding an extra dimension to our joining bodies. Your hands travel up to cup my breasts. I arch into you, throwing my head back, while you pound into me relentlessly, as deep as you can. I meet you thrust for thrust.

After a while, your breathing becomes labored and I know you're getting close, so I take your hand and move it between my legs, needing a little more encouragement. You know exactly what I need, rubbing me hard and fast as your orgasm approaches quickly. Soon, your hand leaves its position in preparation of a pending release, needing to steady yourself. So, I take over, feeling my own release climbing fast. Your moans increase as you press your head into my shoulder, biting me delicately.

Your body tenses up before I feel you spill inside of me, just moments before my own orgasm overtakes me. I feel lightheaded, relinquishing to the moment, to you. My legs are shaking when you pull out. Your arm snakes around my waist, holding me to you, allowing me to lean into you until our breathing settles, the water engulfing us.

•∞•

Thrusting up into you, I let my hands roam over your slick skin. I massage your breasts, twisting at your nipples, loving the feeling of them in my palms while I take you from behind. You arch your back, exposing your neck and I drop my mouth to your surface, alternating between sucking and biting, thrusting harder and harder.

I can no longer control my motions, nor my breathing when you direct my hand to your core. I rub you almost aggressively, desperate for you to come with me as my arousal builds. The closer I get, the less steady I am on my feet and I brace for release, leaning against the glass, nuzzling your neck, losing myself in you. I explode into you and feel your walls convulse around me almost simultaneously, extending the divine pleasure I am experiencing throughout my body.

I notice your trembling legs, so I steady you by wrapping my arms around you, the spray calming us both. You turn to face me, your hands around my neck and we unwittingly sway as if we're dancing, the soft sound of the water serving as the music, our hearts providing the rhythm. You tell me you missed me when you woke up. I know the feeling. _"I couldn't sleep anymore and I didn't want to wake you." _It's not the whole truth, but that shouldn't matter. I'll tell you the rest later, but I should have known you wouldn't fall for such a lame excuse.

_"Do you trust me?" _Because that's all I need right now.

•∞•

As the water continues to fall and my breathing returns to normal, I turn around to look at you, my arms around you. We sway slowly to some inaudible melody.

_"You weren't there when I woke up. I missed you."_ My walls have pretty much all been destroyed by you. When we first got together, I tried to play it cool, keeping some distance, in case you changed your mind. But the longer we're together, the clearer it is to me that this is really it, not just for me, but for you, too. My love for you has grown exponentially and all I want to do it shout it from the rooftops and tell you as often as I can.

I don't really believe your reply. _"You have no trouble waking me, at all hours of the night, might I add, to make love to me. It hasn't stopped you before._ _What's going on?" _I get just a little nervous now. You ask if I trust you and you know my answer, so that's what I'll do, but the unsettling feeling remains.

•∞•

After breakfast, we check out and pack our stuff in the car. I don't tell you where we're going until we get there. I cross my fingers hoping you'll like it, because there is a good chance you won't. But I'll gladly risk it.

The drive to the cemetery is short and I pull up into the parking lot. Before we exit the vehicle, your hand finds mine when you realize this is our destination for the day. Your eyes water, looking up at me. My name leaves your lips just above a whisper. I scan your face. _"I wanted you to…" _I swallow. I don't know how to explain and you squeeze my hand encouragingly. _"Is this okay? I mean, we don't have to stay long. Or we can just go…"_ Shit, maybe this was a bad idea. Your hand moves to my face, coming to rest on my cheek, soothing any nerves I may have had. _"We can stay as long as you want." _My heart overflows with love for you.

The sky is gray, with a chill in the breeze as we walk among the tombstones in silence, our fingers locked. The closer we get, the more anxious I feel. I don't know exactly why, but I rub my thumb over yours ferociously. Sadness permeates the air and I think I am the one radiating it.

•∞•

I have just settled in for the long drive back when you pull into a parking lot. I look around and I know where we are. This is why you were nervous earlier. It all makes sense now. Your dad. I can cry at the thought alone. You bringing me here is a big deal and I am overcome. _"Harvey…" _I don't know what to say.

You stumble over the words, but I know what you mean. You look so vulnerable, afraid I might not want to be here. How can you know me and still think that? I caress your cheek and sense you settle beneath my touch. Of course, I want to be here. We can stay for however long you want.

The area is beautiful with lush green trees surrounding us, as we walk over a small incline. Your grip is strong on my hand, the air filled with sorrow and regret. There is an eerie silence here, nothing but the sound of the wind blowing through the trees. Your body is tense and I can only imagine what you're going through right now.

•∞•

Arriving at the headstone reading 'Gordon Specter', I am aware of the fact that the ritual I have for visiting my dad's grave won't be performed today, the shots of Macallen reserved for just him and me. And I think I'd like to keep it that way.

We just stand there, staring at the words engraved in the marble.

_"Last night, Marcus said something about how my dad, even back then, knew how special you were to me. And since you can't exactly meet him in person any longer, I thought this would be a good alternative." _I have a hard time containing my emotions and your eyes are welling up, too.

I pause, trying to calm myself down.

"_I've never brought anybody here before." _I watch how a single tear rolls down your face and I feel my lower lip tremble uncontrollably. In a futile attempt, I try to swallow away the lump in my throat. _"I just wish you could have met him. You would have liked him. And I know he would have loved you." _At those last words, I break, no longer able to hold back the tears. You throw your arms around me and I bury my face in your hair. We just hold each other for the longest time.

•∞•

The gravestone is modest. "Loving Father" it reads. I wish I had known him. You always spoke so highly of him. You still do. Low and hoarse, your voice cuts through the silence. I hang on to your every word, tears already welling up. Seeing you so close to tears yourself makes me wish I could take your pain and carry it for you. Battling all the emotions rising within you, you finally succumb to them and I just hug you as tight as I can. Do you really think your dad would have loved me? Those words mean so much coming from you.

I don't know how long we just stand there, lost in our embrace. I pull back and look into your bloodshot eyes, seeing so much sadness lingering in them. My hands rest on your chest when I say, _"Would you like me to give you a minute?"_ I have a feeling you do. You nod ever so slightly.

I pull your face towards me and leave a kiss on your lips. _"Take as long as you need." _You try to smile and that's enough for me. Even when I walk away you hold my hand until I am out of reach, our fingertips grazing tenderly until the very last moment before our connection is broken.

•∞•

One of the many things I love about you is how you always know exactly what I need without me saying a word. I can't seem to hide from you and that is both terrifying and appreciated. You see right through me and that's exactly what I need if I ever hope to make it work with you, because sometimes it's just so easy to hide my feelings. Yet you won't let me. You can't help yourself.

I shake my head in disbelief as you walk away from me. I watch your form disappear into the distance, your beautiful hair gently moving with your step before turning my attention back to where my dad was laid to rest, staring at the name I inherited.

_"That was Donna. Isn't she amazing? Every morning I wake up and think it's a dream. I have never loved anyone quite like this before and it scares me to death. I wish I could get your advice, dad, because I am so afraid I will screw this up. My track record with women isn't exactly stellar. But this relationship is… _She_ is everything I ever wanted. I think I want to marry her, even though I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time. But I do know she is the one, dad. She's the one." _It's the first time I've said the words out loud and I like how they sound. I like how they make me feel. I _want_ to marry you. Eventually. There is absolutely no rush.

I sigh deeply. The grief over this loss hits me like a freight train. _"I miss you, dad."_

•∞•

Walking back, I come upon a bench underneath a beautiful oak. I take a seat, reflecting on our weekend together. After all these years, I finally met your mom who, for all her faults, turns out to be wonderful. I feel like I've gotten to see a different part of your life and I feel so much closer to you. Gradually, I am allowing myself to think of a future with you. I may not be able to imagine one without you, but I have never thought about _how_. It's still scary as hell, but I can't deny my love for you.

Soon enough your frame comes into view as you walk over the hill, towards me. I watch you until you notice me and even from a distance, I see your energy change, your shoulders squared, your head high. When you finally reach me, the first thing you do is take my hand and kiss me. There is still a cloud of sorrow surrounding your sad eyes, but it's dissipating before my eyes. I scan your features as you scan mine.

_"Let's come back soon,"_ I propose. _"I'd like that," _you smile.

* * *

_A/N: Please let me know what you think by leaving a review. I will continue with this story as the season progresses. After 902, I definitely want to revisit the Thomas storyline._


End file.
